Intimacy & Sex with Awareness
Sex is not intimacy. Two people must bring intimacy to sex. This article offers you a tool to begin this whether you're in a relationship or not.
From a strictly physical perspective, sex can produce one of the most pleasurable feelings a human can have. Yet many women can’t have this experience fully in a sexual situation unless she’s able to be vulnerable mentally and emotionally. And most men, who think they’re having the experience they want, are missing out on what’s possible because they’re operating primarily from getting their physical and instinctual needs met only.
Reality is that if two people—clear minded and accessing their highest thinking—sat down at a table to talk for a few minutes and mutually agreed to have sex, then went and had sex, this would be sex with Awareness. Why? Both parties knew why they were doing what they were doing and made an agreement. However, that rarely happens. Instead the majority of sexual encounters are not with Awareness. They include early life experiences where you felt pressured, semi-conscius or inebriated experiences as an adult, and sex in marriages or long-term relationships when partners are not truly present with each other. Many partners only have sex out of habit or obligation but the deeper connection is lost.
Sex with Awareness only requires two conscious people to do it. However, there is another experience available too. It is MAKING LOVE with Awareness. You might think it’s the difference between something wild and aggressive versus a sweet, tender experience. Not necessarily. It is the sharing of intimacy, regardless of the sexual behavior. It’s a higher experience for the very same reason that Awareness in any other category is different than normal. It’s an experience where you know yourself deeply (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) and open yourself up to your partner beyond the physical experience only. Men and women both have an equal opportunity to make love with Awareness. The success factor is the same—intimacy.
Intimacy is not sex, but rather it’s something you can bring to sex. If you do, it can become an experience of love or making love. “True Love” is very simply non-judgement. Non-judgement is the release of all conditioned paradigms about something and experiencing it exactly as it is. This is where intimacy is found because whether it’s looking at yourself, or experiencing another, there is no hiding. Intimacy between people begins with individual intimacy. Intimacy is a combination of self-awareness and Awareness (with a capital ‘A’). Let’s look closer at how all this combines to make love with Awareness.
Self-awareness represents the psychological, mental, and emotional review of your life. It’s a review of your behavior which when looked at closely, helps you identify your thoughts and belief systems as we did in Chapter 1. Effectively this is where you see the truth of who you have been.
Awareness (with a capital ‘A’) represents your unique and spiritual level experience of everything you saw in the self-awareness process in addition to your ability to access your highest thinking now. It is accepting everything you see behind you as you look over your shoulder, however more importantly it’s accepting the highest vision you have for yourself, or the purpose of your life as it’s revealed to you through your daily connection to the Mystery.
Together (self-awareness + Awareness), you experience intimacy. When you know yourself fully, you are in the position to experience co-intimacy or making love with Awareness.
It might surprise you that making love with Awareness can be non-sexual. For example, the tool I recommend most is verbal communication. If partners are patient enough to begin creating co-intimacy through communication and other non-sexual exercises, when they do ad sex to intimacy, the experience so exilerating that normal sex will be a distant second choice.
Sex has traditionally been an uncomfortable subjet to talk about. So much so that most people do it before talking about it! With consequences including everything from pregnancy to sexually transmitted diseases to emotional confusion, this is insane! A lot of people don’t want to share details of their sex lives and would prefer not to hear details from a partner they are beginning to really like. Men seem to struggle with this more than women. They’ll say “don’t tell me about who you’ve been with in the past.” I personally went through this too. I would somewhat sarcastically, but also seriously request, “let’s just act like you’re a virgin even though we know you’re not.” I did this because I was uncomfortable with the idea of another man being as close to my partner even though I was avoiding reality. I wanted something unique and special between us and this was my strategy to create this feeling. Yet it lacked the possibilty of intimacy because I was basically shutting out a piece of her life. Without knowing that co-intimacy existed, and could be cultivated through dialog, instead I picked a strategy to fake it.
The desire for co-intimacy is in every human being—men and women. The only question is if you’re aware of it or not.
The best recommendation I can offer you is to talk about sex at the beginning of a relationship and definitely before you have sex. However, it’s the same strategy if you’re already in a sexual relationship and you want to cultivate co-intimacy. The topics are limtless, but to make sure I offer you some tanglible tools you can use now, and for free, here are some example conversations that I think you’ll get value from.
Dating or Early Relationship Conversation about Sex & Boundaries
“Hi____________, I’m enjoying getting to know you and I’d like to talk about the subject of sex. I am committed to a process of self-learning and therefore I’ve looked at this subject for myself. What I’ve learned is that _________________, __________________, and _____________ are important to me. I want you to know this about me as we move forward and I’d like to hear what’s important to you.”
You might tell them they don’t have to answer immediately but it’s very possible that your transparency will inspire them and they will want to continue the conversation.
Already in a Sexual Relationship? How-to Develop Co-Intimacy
“Hi____________, I would like to talk about our sexual relationship. I have been reading a book that talks about sex and Awareness. It encourages partners to ad intimacy to their relationships which is different than sex. I’ve looked closely at who I am and how I want to connect with you. I’m clear that for me, ______________, ______________, and ___________ are experiences I desire. I would like to hear what you desire and talk about experiencing these together.
Conclusion – Beyond Sex and a Personal Story
The co-intimacy experiences you desire don’t have to be sexual but they can include them. What I mean is that intimacy can be created and experienced as simply as looking into a partners eyes. You are effectively building a trust between the two of you where you can express your thoughts and desires authentically.
It took me a few relationships and growing past my fear of being vulnerable before I was able to share my deepest thoughts with a woman (or partner). One experience I remember clearly was with a woman where from the first moment we met, there was an instant connection between us. Actually it started even before we met. She overheard me talking to somebody from behind a closed door. She was intrigued and then as she walked into the room I literally felt the energy. As soon as we began speaking, there was intellectual stimulation and the attraction grew from there. During a very short period of time we bonded tightly. I wanted her to know me not only as the man she saw before her, but also as my vision for myself. There was some risk in this because I was already attaching emotionally. I also knew that one level of attraction, at an unconscious level, is when a woman sees a man for his potential ability to provide security and stability. At that time in my life, even though I was quite stable, there was a difference between my occupation and what I knew I needed to do in my life. I shared with her my intentions, which at the time were not supported by a clear plan. Her response was not what I hoped it would be. Even though she really parts of me, my dynamic plans for the future were not something she agreed with. A few days later we separated and the relationship was over. It might sound sad but it was perfect! We opened up to each other and that empowered us to make a choice—albeit a hard one—that even though we were “in love,” we were not a match for each other at that time. Both of us went on to have other experiences, and other fulfilling relationships.