{"id":1189,"date":"2010-08-31T12:05:48","date_gmt":"2010-08-31T19:05:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.noomii.com\/?p=1188"},"modified":"2011-01-17T11:39:49","modified_gmt":"2011-01-17T19:39:49","slug":"are-you-an-emotion-coaching-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.noomii.com\/blog\/?p=1189","title":{"rendered":"Are You An Emotion Coaching Parent?"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Hadley Earabino<\/p>\n

One of the best things I learned from Dr. John Gottman, a therapist and author who has been studying marriages and parenting for more than thirty-five years, is that it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s important to be \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201can emotion coaching\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d parent when you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re listening to your children.<\/p>\n

INVALIDATION<\/h2>\n

If you grew up with parents who often told you to “get over it,” you are familiar with “Invalidation.” Some examples:<\/p>\n

\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cDeal with it.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cGive it a rest.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cForget about it.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cStop complaining.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cDon’t be so dramatic.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cDon’t be so sensitive.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cStop being so emotional.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cStop feeling sorry for yourself.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cStop taking everything so personally.\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d<\/p>\n

LAISSEZ-FAIRE<\/h2>\n

At the other side of the scale, are the laissez-faire parents, the \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cI feel your pain\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d parents, who don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t invalidate, but they don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t coach, either. They may have been distracted, too busy, or didn\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t have the skills to help you cope.<\/p>\n

“You are feeling sad right now.”
\n“I can tell that you are angry with me.”
\n” I know you’re scared.”
\n“I understand how you feel.”<\/p>\n

\"The

The author at a Harry Potter birthday party<\/p><\/div>\n

EMOTION COACHING<\/h2>\n

The ideal is the parent who not only listens, but coaches. An \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cemotional coaching\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d parent not only listens empathetically and labels the feelings, but helps the child come up with a solution:<\/p>\n

“You can get angry, but you must not yell at me. Talk to me about what upsets you.”
\n“I know you feel scared. What can you do to take care of these feelings?”
\n“When you are angry, you can draw a picture of your feelings.”
\n“Let’s talk about what you are feeling, and we can figure out what to do.”
\n“It seems like you’re feeling really anxious. What works for you when you’re feeling this way?”<\/p>\n

It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s such a simple concept. Our goal is to listen compassionately, and then to help our kids (and sometimes our spouse) come up with a way to solve the problem or deal with the issue. I\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2m always working towards this kind of \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cemotion coaching\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d style, not only when I’m coaching a client, but in all my personal relationships. Sometimes I fall short, but I like having this structure in the back of my mind. Hope it helps you, too!<\/p>\n

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