In my last post, I talked about how dishonesty breeds distrust. This is so basic to human relationships as to be almost too elementary to highlight. However, just because it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s obvious, doesn\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t mean people always practice its opposite.<\/p>\n
Telling the truth can be scary!<\/strong><\/p>\n Let\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s face it: it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s hard to be honest in a setting where someone has positional power over your future, whether it be keeping your job, getting a raise, moving up in the organization, or just experiencing an encouraging work environment. At the same time, if you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re the one with positional power, you might find truth telling to your direct reports a little scary\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u009despecially if you want them to like you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u009dor if you have never learned how to have honest, measured, difficult conversations with people.<\/p>\n What can you do?<\/strong><\/p>\n Assuming you’ve already done the reflective work to make sure you have a legitimate concern (the subject of another post), there are all kinds of ways to learn how to be a better truth teller to bosses, peers, or direct reports. Susan Scott\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s books (Fierce Conversations<\/em> and Fierce Leadership<\/em>) are two of my favorites, and\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u009dthough their titles sound a little…”fierce”\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u009dthey are definitely worth the price of admission.<\/p>\n Rather than list every way I know of to be better at having honest conversations that are timely, accurate, and fair, I\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2m going to suggest an exercise that you consider trying. This exercise is designed to help you become more adept at being \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cimmediate and transparent\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d in your workplace interactions (and, as you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ll likely discover, in other contexts as well).<\/p>\n Here\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s how it works:<\/strong><\/p>\n Think of one person with whom you have difficulty interacting. Perhaps they are intimidating, critical, distractingly talkative, super sensitive, highly competitive with you, etc. For a few days, interact as you normally would, but in the privacy of your own head, consider this question: \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cIf my \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00cb\u0153gut\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2 were given a voice right now, what would it be saying?\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d Practice in your mind different ways of verbalizing it.<\/p>\n It may be, of course, that your gut might want to cry out with something that\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s not really socially appropriate, or G rated. (Better to keep it in the privacy of your head for the time being!) As you silently think about the above question, add a few others to it. Ask yourself:<\/p>\n \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a2\t\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cIf I were to ask this person a calm question based on what my \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00cb\u0153gut\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2 is curious about, what would I ask them?\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d Go Live!<\/strong><\/p>\n Once you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ve practiced (internally) for a few days, take it for a spin in the real world. On your \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cgo live\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d day, begin practicing \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cimmediacy and transparency\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d in moderation<\/em>, but for real. Immediacy<\/em> is about registering curiosity about another person\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s behavior right then and there (rather than storing it up for later), and transparency<\/em> is about making sure that your curiosity is a genuine, honest, even vulnerable expression of what you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re really wondering about.<\/p>\n The beauty of coaching is that when we work on practicing this immediacy and transparency, we also have the opportunity to reflect on how it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s going, and adjust it accordingly\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u009dweek by week. Talk about a recipe for forward progress!<\/p>\n Tell us about your experiences with attempting to be a fair, level-headed, intuition-driven truth teller in your context.<\/p>\n
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a2\t\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cIf I were to make an observation about what my \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00cb\u0153gut\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2 notices, what kind of calm observation would I make?\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d
\n\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a2\t\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cIf I asked such a question, or made such an observation, how would my choice of words and tone of voice register genuine curiosity, but not be too threatening?\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d<\/p>\n