So you think you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re in love?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Falling in love?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Definitely like someone?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Great!\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Scary though, right?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 No one wants to get hurt, rejected, or feel like a fool, so, how do you move forward openly and keep your heart from being broken?<\/p>\n
There are a few things you should know first of all, that create that wonderful \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201ccrush\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d feeling that provokes such hope for a happily ever after. Despite being very sophisticated and civilized, we humans are animals after all. \u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0That being said, there are a few things about animal instinct and the innate urge to mate that we seem to overlook when we meet someone special and start down that path of falling in love \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a6 or hoping to.<\/p>\n
The reason we overlook certain things is built in and natural. \u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0It takes a bit of personal work to maintain an awareness when our hormones are surging around like crazy, because nature made us a little crazy when it comes to love \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u0153 or more precisely the mating game.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 When we meet someone that strikes our fancy and ‘turns us on’, there is an actual chemical surge that happens, first in the brain, and then the rest of us follows.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Nature did this instinctively so that we would mate and reproduce without thinking about all the pitfalls and issues that could arise, because if we think about it too much, we might miss the chance to make babies \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a6<\/p>\n
WHOA!\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Who said anything about making babies!!<\/strong> You\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re just dating, getting to know someone, maybe falling in love, right? Right! \u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0That\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s the more civilized brain surfacing to try and make sense out of the lovely feelings of attraction and desire those hormones are throwing around.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 So, you plunge in and hopefully use protection, but is that enough?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Are you going to wind up getting hurt and broken hearted anyway?<\/p>\n There\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s the conundrum.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 How do you follow your \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cheart\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d (hormones really) and still be smart?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 There is a way if you pay attention and use some self control\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a6 and I\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2m not talking abstinence here (although if that\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s your thing, that\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s ok too.)<\/p>\n It takes about 90 days for those initial wild hormones to settle down, so you have about three months of fairly unrealistic feelings to get through and here\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s how you do it.<\/p>\n First,<\/span><\/strong> be aware that the feelings you are having in the first three months are mostly hormone induced chemical reactions that are urging you to have sex and reproduce.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 You\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re more sophisticated than that, so just be aware that your own chemical responses are leading you astray and don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t mistake these feelings for real love or a soul mate connection.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 You\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ve probably had this feeling before too, but, we forget when it wears off and we end the relationship for good realistic reasons, so it always feels new and different when it happens again.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Being aware is always the first step.<\/p>\n Second<\/span><\/strong>, don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t jump off the cliff and dive in with \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cI love you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d, or even think that this one is \u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0different than any other.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Maybe he\/she is, maybe not, but you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re not going to know for a while yet, so try to stay calm and attentive to what\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s going on.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Everyone puts their best foot forward in a new and blooming relationship.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 It feels natural and it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s easy to do because both of you want to please the other, so everything seems to be flowing smoothly.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 But \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a6 you don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t know each other yet \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u0153 no matter how much you talk and share secrets you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ve never told anyone else!\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 It takes time and many different shared experiences to know someone, so just hang on and enjoy this fun time of getting to know each other. More importantly, try to stay aware that that is what\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s going on.<\/p>\n Third,<\/span><\/strong> it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s not time to make commitments yet.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 In these first 90 days, the biggest thing going on is the clouded attempt to make you like each other. So use this time to your advantage.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Enjoy all the flowers and lovely dates and long talks.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Spend time together doing as many different things as you can think of.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Meet each other’s friends and try to pay attention to them, they will tell you a lot about your new love.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Meet each other’s families if that\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s on the agenda for you, and don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t sweat about it.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 They are just people too, and if you pay attention, they too will tell you about your sweetie\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a6 especially in their interactions with each other.<\/p>\n Fourth,<\/span><\/strong> go ahead and enjoy all the activities you want to do \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u0153 even sex if that\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s alright with you.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Go on trips together and spend weekends together \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u00a6 even a week if it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s right and available for you.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Whatever you want. But do not<\/strong> give your heart away! <\/strong>Think of different endearing ways to admire and appreciate each other, but don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t say I love you. Don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t move in together and don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t make any long term commitments. I mean, really, would you loan your car to someone to drive out of state, if you had only known them for 6 or 8 weeks?\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Your heart and your life are far more precious than a car.<\/p>\n The first three months are at your own risk.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 This is why many generations have advised not being sexual too quickly, or spending too much time together in the early days.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Your hormones are in control and they have no agenda except to mate.<\/strong><\/p>\n Fifth,<\/span><\/strong> about 82 days in, you will begin to notice a slow down in your need to see this person at every opportunity.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 You will begin to be more reasonable about spending time with your friends again, making plans that don\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t include your sweetie, and so will they.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 You might even begin to notice that there are some little details about this person that you\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0aren’t\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0super thrilled by, like the way they dress, how much TV they watch, or that they fall asleep watching movies.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Something<\/em>.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Stuff starts emerging as the hormones begin to subside, whether you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ve had sex or not. Pay attention to these things and start asking yourself, \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cif this never changes will I still want this person?\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d<\/p>\n As the 90 days comes to an end, you may find that you can\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t figure out why you were so attracted to this person in the first place.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 If this happens, you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ll be very glad you read this and paid attention, it means you have been smart enough to keep your heart and your life safe.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 If you are still really excited and happy about them, great!\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Go for another 90 days and see where you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re at then, because now you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re really in authentic ‘getting-to-know-you time’.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Now the real people begin to emerge.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 Forgetfulness happens, drinking habits and other personal quirks emerge, possessiveness and jealously rear their ugly heads. Or not.<\/p>\n Maybe you have found your special lover and it will last a lifetime. \u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0As we know, we usually fall in love several times before that happens, so it makes sense to have a plan of action ready so that you can keep yourself safe when you start falling again.\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s not so hard, really. It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s just\u00c3\u201a\u00c2\u00a0 1,2,3…<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Stanlee Panelle, M.A. is a former Psychotherapist that practices internationally as a Personal Life Coach successfully teaching people how to overcome depression and enrich their relationships for the past 10 years. Coach Stanlee also specializes in guiding Mid-Life Women through the transition into the best years of their life. For more information on how to overcome depression or for a free consultation contact Coach Stanlee.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n\n