{"id":5138,"date":"2013-10-01T07:16:25","date_gmt":"2013-10-01T14:16:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.noomii.com\/blog\/?p=5138"},"modified":"2013-10-01T10:55:15","modified_gmt":"2013-10-01T17:55:15","slug":"what-should-i-do-about-my-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.noomii.com\/blog\/?p=5138","title":{"rendered":"What Should I do About My Marriage?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Photo credit: blunck2<\/a> on Flickr<\/p><\/div>\n

So. There it is.<\/p>\n

The question that has been in your head for quite some time now.<\/p>\n

Maybe you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ve never said it out loud before or have seen it in writing.<\/p>\n

Maybe you\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2ve been secretly talking about it with your therapist, your mom, or your friends. Or…your lover.<\/p>\n

This question causes some of the most painful thinking and talking a person can imagine. There\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s a really good reason for that.<\/p>\n

“What should I do about my marriage?”<\/em> is a trick question.<\/p>\n

The question implies that the marriage is as detached from you as a leaky faucet or tired old car. Those things have gone bad on their own without your involvement. The decision to fix or replace them can be a nagging and difficult one. But in the end, it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s just a matter of time and\/or money.<\/p>\n

Most people view their troubled marriage much the same way. It seems to be an autonomous entity that either works or doesn\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2t. It should be easily fixable or replaceable.<\/strong> Therein lies the trick. It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s not.<\/p>\n

Why do we believe the solution to an unhealthy marriage is to fix or replace our spouse?<\/h2>\n

Maybe it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s not our spouse exactly.<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s fixing or replacing the house, the in-laws, the job, or the lifestyle.<\/p>\n

Maybe if there was more money, less stress, more free time, more sex, or more respect everything would smooth out.<\/p>\n

Maybe if ALL the variables around us could align JUST SO then we would finally achieve the level of trust, respect, happiness, love, and PASSION we think we deserve.<\/p>\n

The trick question implies that we might have some control over the marriage or spousal \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cbeast\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d to have those needs met the way we want them met.<\/p>\n

The trick question implies that the decision can actually be made without including ourselves as part of the problem.<\/p>\n

It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s the wrong question.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The only rational and actionable question is: <\/p>\n

\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c5\u201cWhat to do about myself<\/strong> in this marriage?\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00c2\u009d<\/em> <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

That is the right question.<\/p>\n

The truth hurts<\/h2>\n

There is a pain associated with asking the right question. A very real pain.<\/p>\n

It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s the pain of realizing that our ability to directly influence the outcome of our marriage is out of our control.<\/p>\n

It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s the pain of guilt inflicted stomach knots when we are faced with acknowledging our own contributions to an unhealthy marriage.<\/p>\n

It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s the pain of coming to terms with the fact that we have no power over the choices of other people.<\/p>\n

It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s this pain which causes so many of us to focus our attention elsewhere and ask the wrong questions.<\/p>\n

But, by asking the right question you can finally see clearly the things you CAN control.<\/p>\n

And the good news is that it is only THOSE things that have a chance at improving your relationship with ANYONE \u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u20ac\u0153 including your spouse.<\/p>\n

The things you can control<\/h2>\n

The things you CAN control do not include changing anyone but you.<\/p>\n

The things you CAN control will not automatically improve your marriage.<\/p>\n

But, the things you CAN control will immediately start changing the ENERGY in your marriage.<\/p>\n

It is the nature of the environment that YOU choose to create and live in that determines the choices of others close to you.<\/p>\n

If you want your spouse to join you in a healthier and happier marriage, the changes you choose to make in yourself MUST MATCH the environment you desire.<\/strong><\/p>\n

There is no guarantee that the changes you make will improve or save your marriage. Remember, that is out of your hands. However, those changes will improve or save you.<\/p>\n

The changes you make must be for you only because that is who you choose to be, for this or ANY relationship.<\/p>\n

That is all you can control. Your spouse gets to make their choices accordingly.<\/p>\n

If you are the smart, loving, strong, and generous person you think you are, this should be easy, right? I can tell you it is not. It\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s work. And just like any good thing in your life, it\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2s worth working for! We\u00c3\u00a2\u00e2\u201a\u00ac\u00e2\u201e\u00a2re never as good as we think we are.<\/p>\n

So, what do these changes look like? How do you know what to do or how to do it? These are very personal choices you must make on your own. <\/p>\n

Do any of these feel right for you?<\/h2>\n

Here are some of the personal change values some of my married clients have chosen to adopt and live by:<\/p>\n