The Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries
Posted on April 11, 2021 by Sara Liddle, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Do you struggle to set healthy boundaries in your relationship? Say no when you mean yes, putting other peoples needs before your own?
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing the behaviour or a choice. – Brené Brown
Some powerful words from Brené Brown and how true that when we fail to address boundaries in relationships, it seeps out in other ways. Ways you wouldn’t choose and can struggle to come back from.
Boundaries help relationships become stronger, help us get our needs met and build self-esteem. A lack of boundaries has the opposite effect and impacts who were are and what we can become.
It’s fair to say I learnt about boundaries late in life, I had no idea what my boundaries were or that my boundaries stopped me from finding happiness in relationships both intimate and otherwise. My boundaries were affected by residual difficulties from the past.
Often we have unmet needs from the past. As humans, we all have basic needs. We want to feel safe, secure and loved. When those needs are not met, we experience distress. This distress is carried forward in life when not dealt with or reconciled. We then look to others to meet our needs, we get into the wrong relationships or tolerate poor relationships. We want others to fill the gap left by our past. We don’t honour ourselves and, our boundaries end up being too low or too high.
Too high we have a barrier, a fortress no one can penetrate. We wear a mask and, we have a veneer that doesn’t reveal our true self. We don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Too low and we have no limits, we please others, put their needs ahead of ours. All to get us the attention, love and desire we so crave that was missing from our past.
To soothe the distress from the past as well as looking to others to fix this, we may turn to other outlets to numb the pain; alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, all can help us to escape the reality of our own feelings.
So how do we fix this, for ourselves? How can we set healthy boundaries?
- Start with you, we teach others how to treat us
- Say what you mean and think, in a kind and respectful way
- Stop saying yes when you mean no
- Ask for what you need
- Get vulnerable, show who you really are, let go of the mask
- Let others in and be honest about how you are feeling
- List the people you need to set boundaries with the most and a few steps you will take to do this
- List the boundaries you need most for yourself, self-care starts with you respecting who you are and meeting your own needs
I know it sounds simple, but it’s hard to establish boundaries. Remember they aren’t always fixed and rigid but, they should if set correctly, enrich your life and make you feel happier. Beautiful relationships can flourish with healthy boundaries in place.
Are you ready to get the set relationship boundaries?
If you are struggling to set strong relationship boundaries or find true happiness in your relationship, seek help. Take this opportunity now. Click “Send” on an email to me, book a discovery call. Start exploring. We have one life and we all can experience joy on a daily basis. Start today!
