Couples tools: The Emotional Checking Account vs the Gift Economy

Posted on September 01, 2022 by Tony Borodovsky, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

When two individuals first become a couple there is a natural outpouring of affection and attention. Caught up in the rush of New Relationship Energy, both give their time and energy freely – happy to do something out of the goodness of their heart just to see their partner’s face light up, and know that their gift is received in the spirit in which it was given.

As couples settle into a cohabitation routine, the honeymoon feeling begins to fade and the pressures of real life creep in. Both members start to realize that they must contribute real effort and coordination to make their partnership work, and begin to negotiate ways to make sure their roles are equitable. The problem is, if those roles are non-overlapping (example: shopping for food vs cleaning the kitchen) it’s very difficult for either partner to judge whether the other is contributing equally. Also, because these roles are now expected, neither one feels rewarded with gratitude for their time and effort, which may lead to feeling overwhelmed or underappreciated.

Without realizing it, both members may begin to keep an Emotional Checking Account to tally how much they are contributing to the relationship compared to their partner. But since both sides are bringing their own subjective measures of each side, and feeling under-appreciated for their respective contribution, both sides end up feeling like they’re “in the red.” It can even reach a point where each member begins to withhold their contributions, feeling that the other partner must bring the emotional checking account “into the black” before they are willing to put in any additional effort.

The only way out of this particular trap is to change the dynamic from a Scarcity Economy back to a Gift Economy. To do this, both members of the couple need to activate the core of their relationship, and find those elements that make them genuinely concerned for the well-being and happiness of their partner. Once those core elements are identified, the couple must communicate and really listen to what the other partner needs to feel that the roles are divided evenly, their needs are taken care of, and their contribution appreciated in a genuine way. Once that communication takes place, each member of the couple then begins contributing from a place of genuine giving and concern – out of the goodness of their heart rather than from a place of grudging routine – and knowing that their gift will be received in the spirit with which it was given.

Because actions offered as gifts are received differently than those done by expectation or routine, the receiver feels more taken care of and the giver feels more appreciated. This mutual feedback loop creates a Gift Economy where both feel more energy and desire to participate in the exchange of affection, and creates hope of deeper connection in the future.