It's All About Control
Posted on February 07, 2024 by Faith Feuer, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
This article examines the many ways in which we can take control of our own happiness and view happiness as a choice.
Well, I’m totally ok with dating myself when it comes to Janet Jackson…a true icon of pop. As she tells us in her famous song of the same name, it’s all about control! So let’s talk about control as it relates to my favorite subject…happiness!
As you all know, I’m a huge proponent of the idea that happiness is largely a choice. Granted, 50 percent of our personal happiness is determined by our genes and 10 percent is determined by our circumstances, but that still leaves a full 40 percent that’s up to us. It’s not enough to just say that and it’s not enough to know that either. You have every right to ask, how does that translate into our everyday lives and experiences? Well, for one thing, our brains get used to releasing the chemicals that they release most often. So, simply put, the more often you think happy thoughts (notice that I didn’t say the happier you are, but the more often you think happy thoughts), the more often your brain is going to release those happy chemicals. The more often that happens, the more accustomed the brain becomes to releasing those chemicals and the happier you truly feel. A not so vicious circle is thereby created in which your brain releases happy chemicals that make you happy, thus releasing more happy chemicals in the brain and so on. Control your thoughts, control your happiness!
Another way to take control of your happiness is to make it a habit also to take note of the happy moments. This is a strategy that I use with my own daughter, who, as wonderful as she is, tends toward the negative. At the end of each day, we review all the positive moments, no matter how small, that she has experienced during her day. One evening in the recent past when I noticed her beginning to spiral into negative thoughts, I said “remember the happy moments” and she happily surprised me by saying “yes, let’s go over them”…recalling the positive had become a habit. The same is true even for clinically depressed patients, as evidenced by a study performed by the Italian psychiatrist
But, what happens when dark thoughts intrude and hinder our ability to think happy thoughts in the first place? Again, let’s take control by creating another habit in the brain. The act of writing down our negative thoughts might seem trivial and counter-intuitive. However, consider this: when we jot down our dark thoughts and accompany those statements by arguments against those dark thoughts, we take the teeth out of them. It follows that (and this is a quote by Stefan Klein) “The mastery over our dark thoughts and feelings quickly becomes a habit. As the gray cells are reprogrammed, the left frontal lobe is trained to master negative emotions a tenth of a second after they first appear. As this ability grows, the bitter feelings vanish”.
Now let’s explore an emotion that, if we allow it to remain outside of our control, can create significant obstacles to our happiness. That emotion ladies and gentlemen is none other than fear. This pesky emotion can not only prevent us from chasing our goals and dreams and living life to the fullest but can also seriously impair our happiness. As we have discussed, fear is an evolutionary carry-over designed to protect our prehistoric ancestors from true physical threats such as mountain lions and saber-toothed tigers. Our brain’s primary function is to protect us, and it therefore has the inconvenient habit of constantly presenting us with worst case scenarios and reasons not to do something. When fear and hope of enjoyment are pitted against one another, fear usually wins. So what is a mere mortal to do when we are up against thousands of years of learned behavior? Take control by shining a light. Recognize first and foremost that very few choices in life have irrevocable, life-changing consequences. We can always revisit and revise. Second, practice decatastrophizing. Much like I suggested doing with dark or negative thoughts, try writing down your fear. Rate it on a scale of 1-10…how bad is it really? Then write down the best case scenario, the worst case scenario and the most likely scenario. Next, ask yourself how you would cope and problem solve should the worst case come to pass. Finally, re-rate your fear…you may find it’s not as scary as you initially thought!
