2012 Resolution #21: Forgive
Posted on January 21, 2012 by Maria McInnis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
#21 in this month long series, today on forgiveness with a serious note on domestic abuse
Resolve to forgive others and yourself.
How many times have you heard the phrase ‘forgive and forget‘? In western culture we are told to forgive the wrong doings that are done to us, and to turn the other cheek. I think a better phrase would ‘forgive the things that are done to you, and don’t let them rule you’. I think that forgetting does experience a disservice, and that in forgetting we are allowing an unhealthy repression and not truly allowing our minds to deal with the hurt.
By forgiving, but not forgetting, we allow ourselves the ability to become stronger in our resolve about ourselves, and to come away with a better sense of self. By not allowing it to rule us, we gain power over our pain and realize the virtues that we have gained. It takes strength to do it, but survival is the greatest sign that we are strong enough to handle it: if we can survive the event, we can survive the memory.
“Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.” – Indira Gandhi
By forgiving, we put positive energy into our world, and into our own lives. It can seem a hard thing to do, but it really does feel good to forgive others.
Forgiveness does not, however, mean that trust is re-established, nor that one allows the behavior or lifestyle to continue. Let’s take this to a serious note, because when talking about forgiveness it always comes up in seminars or classes: abuse.
Abuse
Forgiveness does not mean allowing emotional, verbal, sexual or physical abuse to continue. It means forging an understanding and allowing yourself to move on. There is also a difference between forgiving someone and receiving justice. There is also a difference between forgiving and escaping. IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP END IT. THERE IS NO NEED FOR ABUSE. And it can happen to either gender. Abuse is not limited to women, as many people think: Men can and are victimized every day.
If you are in an abusive or toxic relationship, remove yourself from the situation. Every city, township and county has places you can go to and who will help you in the process of removing the influences from your life. These are safe havens who understand the courage it takes to pack up and leave your life behind to forge a new, positive future. In these cases, forgiving does not mean staying. It means understanding that it is not your fault, it is realizing that they are to blame, and it is allowing yourself to move on.
Sometimes, in such situations there is a family history of abuse: this is an explanation, but not an excuse. There is still choice in all actions, good and bad, and just as many people who are abused end up seeking help, overcoming it, or joining fields in which they prevent abuse instead of allowing it to continue from generation to generation. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. NEVER.
When it comes to forgiving abuse you are not forgetting it: you are taking lessons from it, but you are choosing to give it absolutely no power in your life. You are allowing yourself to realize that YOU have the ability to make good change in your life.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving yourself of past actions and failures is just as important as forgiving others. When you do forgive you build resentment, guilt, anger and loathing. When we direct these particular feelings inwards towards ourselves we do ourselves a great disservice and a good amount of mental and even physical harm.
“Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” – Hannah Arendt
The mind and body affect each other, and when we direct negative thoughts inwards, we allow the mind to have a negative effect on the body. Those suffering from guilt and other similar emotions often find that they will start having stress. This stress, in turn, transforms into a multitude of health issues: headaches, digestive issues, weight gain, extreme weight loss, and more. Some people even gain serious issues such as asthma, diabetes and fibromyalgia.
The connection is an amazing thing that must be respected, and in order to do that, we must respect ourselves. Part of this is forgiving yourself, and admitting that you are human. To err is human, and with every mistake we make we are given a choice to accept defeat, or to rise above.
With every experience we have, and every word we say, we are changing and affecting the world around us. When things go wrong, we need to be able to say to ourselves ‘It’s okay. I know what I did, but there’s still a future to consider.‘ We cannot be stopped by our mistakes, instead we must forgive ourselves, and learn from those mistakes so we can move on.
So, this year, instead of holding on to pain, guilt and anger, forgive so that this year can be one of amazing potential and joy.
