Understanding Anger

Posted on July 03, 2025 by Carolline Day, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Anger is a powerful emotion, often misunderstood and misdirected. At its core, anger frequently arises from two primary sources: hurt or fear. Understanding these origins can lead us to healthier responses and deeper healing.

As a child, I often found myself perplexed by the intense reactions of my parents. Why did they become angry when they felt hurt by something we kids said, or why did they lash out when they were frightened about our safety?

Allow me to share a poignant story that I hate but it illustrates this concept. My mother often recounts a story from her childhood about her step-sister, ten years her junior, who one day went missing. After hours of frantic searching, my mother discovered her sister safe at a friend’s house. In a moment of overwhelming relief mixed with fear, she spanked her sister, insisting she never pull such a stunt again.

When my mother’s step-father (my aunt’s dad) returned home and learned of the spanking, he was furious, threatening my mother with the same punishment. However, his mother (my aunt’s grandmother) intervened, defending my mother by asserting that her actions stemmed from love and concern. She recognized that my mother’s fear for her sister’s safety had prompted a reaction that, while harsh, was rooted in a desire to protect. I’ve harbored a dislike for this story because the act of intervening and defending my mother’s reaction have reinforced that anger can sometimes be justified in the name of care.

Growing up, my sisters and I often heard justifications for physical discipline: “I do this because we don’t want you to learn your lessons from someone else,” or “This is how everyone punishes their kids.” Such statements normalized the cycle of anger manifesting as punishment. In many ways, the pain inflicted upon us was a misguided expression of love, a reflection of our parents’ own hurts and fears.

Reflecting on my childhood, I realize that discipline sometimes crossed the line from correction to hurt. In those moments, my parents’ frustration translated into a misguided need to impose pain on their children. They believed that because their own parents had been harsher, that their actions were acceptable… and even justified.

Fast forward to a challenging time in my life when my daughter was just four. I was overwhelmed at work and easily triggered by small frustrations. One day, she got upset and started to unroll the toilet paper in the bathroom. I asked her to stop but she ignored my pleas and started to do it while looking straight at me. In a fit of anger, I struck her. The moment my husband intervened, I felt the weight of my actions. I was caught in a cycle of generational trauma, echoing my parents’ experiences.

The shame and realization that I had hurt my child; a reflection of my own unresolved emotions, were overwhelming. I vowed never to react in that manner again. It became clear that my anger was not just about her behavior; it was about my expectations and the hurt I felt when she didn’t comply. I was angry because I believed that good children should listen, and her defiance felt like a personal affront.

In recognizing this pattern, I understood that my parents’ actions were not merely cruel but rooted in their own pain. They were masking their feelings through physical punishment, and their unresolved struggles were inadvertently passed down to me. This realization led me to seek help through therapy. I wanted to break the cycle of anger and hurt that had persisted through generations.

In EMDR therapy, I learned that I felt unprotected by my parents many times, and learned the power to protect myself now. I realized that my parents (and their parents), too, must have been grappling with their own unresolved pain, leading them to inflict hurt on their children. I committed to breaking this cycle, understanding that my daughter deserved a different experience.

I learned to apologize to my child when I reacted poorly, reinforcing that my hurt was my responsibility, not hers. I learned to articulate my desire to stop the cycle of pain in heated moments: “I want to stop hurting you because I’m hurt. It is not your fault.”

Understanding where anger comes from is transformative. It invites us to explore our behaviors and ask crucial questions:

What triggers your anger?

What fears or hurts lie beneath the surface?

By examining these underlying emotions, we can cultivate healthier responses and foster a more compassionate environment for ourselves and those we love.

As we explore the depths of our emotions, it’s essential to identify the roots of our anger and seek support in understanding its manifestations. Anger often keeps individuals trapped in unproductive patterns, but with the right guidance, we can learn to navigate these emotions constructively.

In my journey, I found the opportunity to choose differently, to change the narrative of hurt and fear. I empathize with parents who struggle to resolve their issues, but I celebrate the chance I have to foster healing and growth within my family.

As we navigate our emotions, let us commit to breaking the cycles of responding to hurt and fear with anger. By fostering understanding and compassion within ourselves, we can create a legacy of love and healing for future generations.