Willing Entanglements
Posted on April 13, 2010 by Tom Patterson, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.
Sometimes we get "roped in" without knowing it...sometimes we do it to ourselves.
Have you ever found yourself asking the question, “How did I suddenly become responsible for (fill in the name)‘s stuff? One minute I’m minding my own business, and the next minute I’m running around trying to solve their problems for them! What happened?? How’d I get roped into this?”
Good question! How did you get roped into this? When I was kid, I used to practice rope tricks (I was a die-hard wannabe cowboy). I learned that there are several ways for a rope (the “noose”) to get around a person or an animal: 1.) the roper accurately aims at a moving target, and successfully lands the noose around the reluctant target’s body; 2.) the object stands still, making the roper’s job fairly easy, or; 3.) the roper tosses the noose in the direction of the object who then picks it up and slips it over their own body – thus making the roper feel more accomplished. (This is obviously easier for a human with opposable thumbs than for a hooved animal, and clearly the easiest one for the roper.)
In a sense, when we take on responsibility for someone else’s “stuff,” it is as if we are taking a noose that’s been thrown in our direction, and slipping it over ourselves. We are “willing and active participants” in the entanglement. Family Systems theorists call this being “triangled,” or participating in “triangulation.” Triangulation happens when one person is experiencing anxiety about a task or another person, and they “rope in” a third party who is willing to assume responsibility for that anxiety, and try to take steps to eliminate it. Usually, that third party (who essentially “picked up the noose and slipped it over their body”) is very “uncomfortable with discomfort” in others and themselves, and sees this as a way to make it go away.
It seems kind of nonsensical, but we see this all the time: a parent who “overfunctions” by doing part of their child’s late homework for them – they know their child will be in trouble with their teacher, so they mitigate the possibility of that painful experience; a person who calls in sick on behalf of a hungover spouse; a fellow employee who registers a complaint to a manager at the behest of another employee; a spouse who feels caught in the middle between their spouse and their own parents. The list is endless, because we human beings have an endless capacity for doing the same thing in a variety of ways.
The effect of this triangulation is that the person who actually does bear technical responsibility ends up not having to face it, and there is no growth in avoidance. Not only that, but the one who willingly becomes that third point of the triangle (the one who takes on the noose) doesn’t learn that tolerating pain or discomfort in others (and themselves) is not only survivable, but a growth opportunity for all concerned.
Can you think of any places in your own life where you pick up that noose, and slip it over your body – thus becoming a willing and active participant, getting “roped in” to someone else’s issues? If so, how has that worked for you?
Coaching is a terrific resource for you if you find yourself in that place. Since we’re all a “work in progress,” be encouraged that not a single one of us has this stuff all dialed in. If there’s one thing people discover through coaching, though, it’s that our options are always greater than they appear to be!
