What's In Your Quiver?

Posted on April 13, 2010 by Tom Patterson, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

Sometimes I wish we could have “heated conversation do-overs.” You know, like: “If I had been thinking more clearly, then I would’ve said…” (and then actually getting the chance right away!). It’s the idea that if I’d been just a little sharper, just a little quicker on my feet, just a little better armed with a quiver of perfect comebacks, then I’d emerge the “victor.”

Here’s the thing, though: a “heated” conversation isn’t really about who’s sharper, quicker, or better armed with zinger comebacks. It’s about…“heat.” By that I mean, it’s about emotional intensity, as opposed to thoughtful reflection. You’ve probably noticed (if you’ve ever found yourself in a heated conversation) that reacting to heat with more heat only heats things up more. Ultimately, no matter how persuasive you try to be, and no matter how “right” you are (or believe you are), the conversation results in no greater clarity or understanding for either party. One may walk away thinking, “I sure showed them!” The other may walk away discouraged, thinking, “That’s just further proof that they aren’t listening to me.”

The reality is that many heated conversations are nothing more than anxiety-driven attempts to control or change the behavior or perspective of the other person. The corresponding reality (and irony) is that rather than leading to changes in thinking, or building trust—these conversations build and solidify resentment.

So what’s a passionate person to do? Should we abandon our principles? Should we try a more subtle form of persuasion? Should we write off people who won’t see things our way? As a coach, these questions are particularly interesting to me as I think about the challenges facing leaders of all stripes who invest themselves in people and organizations.

I find helpful insights from the perspective of family systems theorist and therapist, Edwin Friedman, who wrote: “The key to leadership…is not how a leader manages others but how a leader manages him or herself.” In other words, a leader has no control over anyone but him or herself. They do, however, have control over how they respond to the “heat” around them.

One of the most exciting things for me about coaching leaders is helping to raise self-awareness about the power of one’s presence in a highly-charged emotional environment. It’s not about changing others, but about managing oneself in the midst of others doing what—frankly—comes naturally.

Maybe you’ve got this fairly well dialed in, and have a wealth of experience to share with others. Maybe this an area of growth for you, and is something you’d like to explore a little more. Either way, next time you find yourself in (or about to get sucked into) a heated conversation, pay attention to what part of yourself feels like it’s getting drawn into an unmanaged place. What buttons are getting pushed? What power are you giving away? What would it take to manage your response?

One more thought…

You know those awesome comebacks that you’ve put in your quiver for “next time”? Maybe you’ve noticed (if you’re like me) that those “next times” don’t usually happen the way you plan them to. Self-management, though, is about being ready for any eventuality.