The Chicken and the Egg Thing...

Posted on April 13, 2010 by Tom Patterson, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

We’re all familiar with the riddle: “Which came first…the chicken, or the egg?” This same question can be asked in a metaphorical sense with regard to human relationships: “Do I behave the way I do as a response to others, or is their behavior a response to mine?”

One of the areas this shows up most dramatically at work and at home is in what we might call our “functioning.” The question is: “Does over-functioning lead to under-functioning, or does under-functioning lead to over-functioning?” Parents experience this quandary at many levels. Here’s one of countless examples: A child has a science project due in one week, and the parent knows full-well that it’ll take at least that long to begin and complete it before the Science Fair. So far, nothing has been done, and the parent starts to break out in a cold sweat. Fearing a bad grade, or a sloppy looking project, he decides to jump in and motivate, initiate, and gather the materials into one central place to make it as easy as possible for his child to “get on the stick.” In the end, the child turns in an exceptionally professional looking Science Fair display, even though their personal involvement and energy level never really grew. Here’s the chicken and egg question: Did the child’s under-functioning lead to the parent’s over-functioning, or vice versa? What are some options for how the parent might have dealt with his seemingly unmotivated young scientist?

Here’s an example from work: A work team has the responsibility of going live with a project by a certain date. As the date approaches, the project manager realizes that a member of the team isn’t really pulling his weight, and doesn’t seem to be on target with his specific part of what it will take to reach the deadline. The project manager breaks out in a cold sweat as she realizes how this will ultimately reflect on her at deadline. Not quite sure how to be either highly motivational, or bluntly directive with the team member, she jumps into the fray and covers for his low performance by doing a significant portion of his work. After the deadline has passed, and they have successfully pulled off their project (with even less help from the low performer) he remains on the job, but his fellow team members now resent both him and the manager. Did his under-functioning lead to her over-functioning, or vice versa? What options might have been available to the project manager? What consequences for the team can you imagine might occur as a result of her choices?

This concept of “over-functioning” and “under-functioning” has huge implications at home and at work…in parenting, and in managing. It is also one of the most common sources of frustration I hear about from my coaching clients. The good news is that it doesn’t have to go that way. If “over-functioning” is a tendency you struggle with, working with a coach can be a tremendously freeing experience—for you, and the under-functioner!