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  1. Home
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Reflections on Grief

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Leslie R Singer, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Learn to die and you shall live...

Learn to die and you shall live,
For there shall be none who learn to truly live
Who have not learned to die.
~ From the Book of the Craft of Dying

Recently, I attended a memorial service for a prominent member of the (Nicherin) Buddhist community I practice with. Perhaps a thousand people attended the service for this extraordinary man who touched so many lives, mine included. The service caressed everyone’s heart with laughter and tears, as friends and family shared their memories of this noble and victorious man through stories, music, and video that spoke of his passion for lifting others up with his humor, love of life and compassion. What struck me the most was this palpable beauty that filled the room. And I realized that the beauty I was feeling germinated from how his close friends and family were able to eloquently illuminate the gifts of this man’s legacy. In his life and in his death, everyone celebrated the full circle of this man, with dignity and grace. Perhaps one of the most profound experiences we can have is the loss of a loved one. The grief that comes with that loss is unique to each of us, while the grief felt for losing one person may be totally different to your experience of losing someone else. Nonetheless, whether the loss is sudden or happens over a period of illness, nothing really prepares us to journey through the range of emotions grief brings us. We are all gonna die. What is your visceral reaction to reading that? Most of us fear death, we ignore it, we even deny it will happen to us; we certainly do not want to die. Death challenges (the meaning of) Life all too often, even though they are cut from the same circle. For many of us, the experience of grief due to a loss of a loved one is a deep emotional, physical, and/or even spiritual pain. It’s a knock-you-to-your-knees kind of pain, that leaves an ache which seems to have no origin, yet it is ever-present. Some try to avoid the pain filling time with busy-ness; some just try to get by hoping time will lessen the ache; others may hold on so tightly to the pain afraid to let go of it, for fear they may lose the memory of their loved one; some just give in to the pain and give up on their own life. But what if grief is a passage to something more; something deeply intimate? What if grief gives your relationship with that person more meaning? What if grief looks like an expression of gratitude? What if grief gives you the meaning of Life you have been searching for? How might you move through grief knowing that you can hold onto the memories of a loved one while releasing the pain of their absence? If you knew that having an awareness of death is the greatest teacher for learning to live, how might your grief look different? All that we suffer as humans is not meant to destroy us. Rather it is there for us to learn what we are made of, to empower us. By tapping into the depths of our being we can find our greatest courage and the strength of our life force so we can transform adversity into something positive. Think of every challenge, obstacle you have overcome; through each experience you found out how capable you really are. With each experience you learned your reservoir is filled with strength, determination, and courage. Finally you have the realization you are at choice as your happiness is not contingent upon what is outside of you; your happiness lies within you- always. Grief is one of those life changing opportunities. It is a space to reflect and ask yourself how much more do you lose by holding onto the pain. Yes, death has taken from you; now ask yourself, what has it given you? Seriously, really- look, breathe, and receive. What has death brought into your life? How has death enriched your Life? What lessons have been learned? What relationships have become deeper? How has death taught you to live? I do not remember where I heard the expression, in all experiences there are seeds of grace. But the truth of this grounds me. It reminds me to trust and let go; to open my mind and my heart so I am prepared to receive, and able to witness the beauty that makes up the circle of Life in its fullest. It anchors me to be mindful and patient, as not all things require action. It reminds me that even in death, there is a gift, a lesson, an opportunity, an expansion, and even growth. I am writing this on the anniversaries of several losses. Interestingly, it wasn’t until I began to struggle with which direction to take this writing that I realized the timing of this subject. For me, it is more evidence of the synchronicity of life and the depth of my connection to these loved ones. My grief for each was as unique as their fingerprints nonetheless my connection to each of them is deeper and more intimate. There is no “sorry” for their loss; instead there is gratitude for all they have taught me in their living and in their dying, so that I may live a fuller and more enriched life. So I leave you with this to ponder- grief can be a source of pain or grief can be passageway to acceptance and inner peace. You can let time chip away until you forget or you can learn to live the full arc of your circle, boldly and beautifully. You are at choice to stay mired in your pain, anger, sadness, suffering, or you can move into the palpable beauty of living with gratitude, the intimacy of connectedness and the light of courage.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

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