I have a delay in my reactions to situations that bother me deep down inside
I was having a great coaching session with my good friend Adrienne. We were discussing the feedback on my You Tube videos and how it affected me. I was analyzing my reaction during and after the conversation with the person I was asking feedback from. At first, I understood and was thankful for the honest tips. After the call I was motivated to change everything about how I look. Even longer after the call, I began feeling hurt and worthless. After I discussed the feelings I had in the journal community I felt empowered again to keep making my videos but to chart my progress in hopes that others could learn from what I was experiencing.
So, let me get back to the point. I was talking to Adrienne asking her to help me figure out why I have a delay in my reactions to situations that bother me deep down inside. I know my feelings are hurt, I try to pretend they aren’t. I even convince myself that I am okay with everything. I know somewhere inside of me that the meltdown is going to happen, but I try to act like it is not. I act if everything is okay and then I realize eventually it is not okay.
We (Adrienne) and I began looking back in my week at what really triggered this feeling of unworthiness that was prompting me to want to give up on my life coaching. It stemmed from the comments my Dad made to me days before the call I set up to receive feedback and suggestion on how to make my videos more effective. I first reacted to what my Dad said with no response to him. I did not tell him I didn’t appreciate what he said, I just let it roll of my back. Then I vented to my coaching group and said I was fine. I thought I was. A few days later I shut down. Not for long, but I shut down and began to doubt myself. Then, because I don’t give up, I reached out for help from my friend and she helped me to see what the underlying cause of all of the unworthiness was.
It was me NOT setting boundaries. Not telling my Dad that the way he was talking to me was not acceptable. It started the whole cycle. I feel like I don’t have a say. I convince myself I am fine with whatever has gone on. It starts to fester inside of me and I get angry. I begin to play the situation over and over in my head until I shut down. So what the little wise woman pointed out to me was that if I set my boundaries I could skip the denial and shut down steps of this process that I don’t like. I decided, that if I carry that one step further and allow myself to be upset, grieve, feel the emotions for however long I need to, before analyzing it, I can move through the emotions instead around them.
My emotions were being ignored or skipped over and that was what caused me to shut down. My inner self, in order to not go crazy, made me have emotional overload causing me to shut down and deal with the emotions I tried to ignore.
Of course, being the analytical person I am, I took this one step further and realized ignoring my emotions or denying them is directly related to being abused and told to be quiet about it. Or having a feeling of fright or anger that I was told I should not show. Not being allowed to cry. Being made to feel like I was exaggerating the situation in my home. It makes perfect sense to me now. And what really blows me away is that I had NO idea that it came from me needing to set boundaries. What a trickle down effect this can have. So many areas of my life, that seem so unrelated, are completed related to the inability to set boundaries.
Now with this new knowledge and understanding of myself, I can see how setting my boundaries can really change my life in a positive way. It is exactly what I am learning in the You University program. That “Life is a school”, with each new bit of information I can correlate it to my history and apply it to my future story and have more of an impact on the outcome. I can create my life. I can make it be the way I want it to be. I am in control of my own destiny instead of a victim of my circumstance. This is powerful stuff. I mean powerful.