If Mama Ain't Happy Ain't Nobody Happy
Posted on August 20, 2010 by Hadley Earabino, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.
What if, instead of giving yourself away for your children, you thought of yourself as valuable, as something to be cherished?
Kathleen is stuck.
She likes to make things with her hands, from cakes to crocheted blankets, and is happiest when she’s physically moving—whether picking up seashells or a game on the basketball court. And yet she sits at a desk all day working as a bookkeeper, which is about as much fun for her as a sharp stick in the eye.
Whenever she starts to dream a little dream—of starting a catering business, or selling her crafts online, or going back to school—her mind comes up with a dozen reasons why it’s not possible.
“I can’t think of myself. I have to sacrifice for my children.”
“I’m too old.”
“I don’t have any real talents or skills.”
“My husband hates his job, but he does it anyway, why should I get special treatment?”
“I don’t have anything to wear.”
This is how the mind works. It will find evidence for anything—either for or against an idea. Here is this talented woman—this sensitive, nurturing, creative woman—suffering in a soul-crushing job because she honestly believes it’s the right thing to do. She admits that her children don’t respect her opinion, because they say she doesn’t respect herself. She also admits to feeling deeply resentful towards her family for her “circumstances,” and is chronically angry at her husband.
But if you dig a little deeper than these first excuses, you’ll usually find a core belief—-otherwise known as the client’s personal religion. The main belief limiting Kathleen is this one: “a good mother sacrifices herself for her children.”
As a coach, my job is to help my clients question any limiting belief, to wiggle it around like a baby tooth, until it pops loose. (Sometimes these limiting beliefs are seven layers deep, like baby great white shark teeth, so it helps to be patient.)
In this case, I would encourage Kathleen to look for evidence to support the opposite thought, a thought that might be as true, or even more true than the original limiting belief, such as: “a good mother takes care of herself for her children.”
The mind will find evidence for this thought, too. I would encourage Kathleen to come up with at least three pieces of hard evidence to support the thought, “A good mother takes care of herself for her children.” After some consideration, she might come up with something like the following:
“If a mother doesn’t take care of her health, she’ll be too sick to care for her kids.”
“When a mother is not happy, it puts stress on her kids.”
“A good mother sets an example for her children, and shows them how to live a happy life.”
Or, my Southern favorite, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” (A phrase often found embroidered on decorative pillows.)
Kathleen is doing the best she knows how for her children. She felt neglected and abandoned by her own parents, and so she is sacrificing everything for her children—her time, her desires, her wants, her dreams, her opinions, her true thoughts, her very happiness—in the hope of balancing the scales. But after 20 years of giving away so much of herself, she just feels bitter and empty. As the Taoists say, “Going far means returning.” When you take an idea to it’s extreme, you risk creating the opposite outcome.
What if, instead of giving herself away for her children, she thought of herself as valuable, as something to be cherished? What if, instead of sacrificing her own happiness for her children, she decided to be a bright and shining example for them?
This thought could be true for Kathleen, and then she might let herself dream a little bigger, which just might benefit her children after all.
(For a free Top Ten list to help you escape from mommy guilt, visit me at http://www.happymamacoaching.com)
