Casual Sex & Female Pleasure
Orgasm is secondary to pleasure. You can’t make anyone come, but you can help them pleasure and increase their likelihood of climaxing.
According to glamour.com, the majority of women who engage in casual sex report having a harder time reaching orgasm with their casual partners than the more serious ones. This comes as no surprise as female orgasm is always thrown under the bus for its more-focused-on counterpart: the male orgasm. However, I think orgasm is secondary to pleasure when it comes to sex. You can’t make anyone come, but you can provide them with lots of pleasure that would increase the likelihood of their climax.
These are only some of the points that could help you make your fun time more pleasurable for you and your partner. Before I get to the main points, I want to emphasize the basics of casual sex : be respectful, be safe, and ask for consent every time before moving to the next level (and if substances may be preventing you or your partner from consenting, then maybe you should stop right here.)
1 – Have a plan or at least pretend that you do. You are not operating a device that just came out of the package. Instead of pressing a few buttons to see which one is going to get your partner in the mood, try building up their passion by practicing mindful touching. Mindful touching means moving up step by step, from gentle and scattered to the more focused and firm. Act like you have a tentative plan. As if you were drawing an image. First, you would draw some general guidelines all over the paper. Then, you would do some rough sketching: slightly more pencil power and more focused drawings. Finally, you would start working on the details and parts of the drawing that are the most fun to work on. Meanwhile, remember to stay in communication with your partner to get a better idea of what is working and what is not.
2 – Be proactive about contraception and STI transmission, it’s sexy, it’s safe, and a HUGE turn-on. Educate yourself about different forms of contraception and be the first to bring up the subject of condoms and STI transmission. Nothing is sexier than being proactive about preventing unwanted babies and disease, especially if you are male-bodied. bedsider.org is a great resource for starters. Decide what method works best for you and have a plan in place before you go out the door looking for hook-ups.
3 – Be enthusiastic when doing what you’re told to do. Hopefully, you have ended up with a partner who is aware of their body and what pleases them. And, they are confident and empowered enough to communicate that to you (and you are awesome enough to encourage them to do so). They tell you exactly which part to stimulate and how to do it. If you think you won’t enjoy that or are not comfortable doing it, simply indicate your discomfort and pass. However, if you do decided to go for it, put all your focus and energy into it. Make it your mission to do a great job and seem excited about it. Your partner will probably pick up on your lack of interest, otherwise.
4 – Practice your oral skills (and don’t forget a dental dam). For two reasons: it feels great and there aren’t many people who know how to give good head to a vulva-owner. Bad oral sex can actually be worse than no oral sex. And, good oral sex will definitely be something your partner will never forget. Did I mention the importance of a dental dam and preventing STI transmission? Also, stay tuned for an article on how to orally please a vulva.
5 – Beware that your touch and grip may just be too hard. Many people with strong arms and fingers don’t often realize how hard their grips can be, especially when they feel passionate and are “in the mood”. If you sense that your partner is moving away and shifting their body every time you touch them, you may want to be more conscious about your touch. Always start on the side of caution with gentle grips and slowly build up to harder grips. In fact, you partner may really enjoy tight and strong grips. Ask them about it, and make sure you save the power of your lovely muscles for the right moment.
6 – Give your partner’s vagina time to get wet and expand. Sometimes it takes a while, be patient. If you own a penis, think about how you need time to get hard and ready for intercourse. Vaginal tissue also needs to expand and get ready for penetration. If penetration happens before the vagina is ready, it can cause your partner pain and discomfort. “Wetness” is a fair indication of whether or not your partner’s vagina is ready for penetration. You may also need to supplement natural lubrication. Using lube can make a world of difference. If you don’t have some fine store-bought lubrication handy, saliva can get the job done as well.
7 – Focus on your partner’s pleasure, not orgasm. Whether or not your partner orgasms does not necessary reflect on how good of a time they are having or how good your sexual skills are. Every person orgasms for different reasons at different times and, especially during casual sex with someone you have never been with before, it may be too difficult to put all the pieces together. Ask your partner what they like or how you can help them orgasm. If they give you directions, follow on. However, do not insist or act like your sexual encounter has to last until your partner comes.
8 – After-care is lovely. You may be so relaxed and tired that you are ready to fall asleep. Unless your casual partner is also falling asleep, courtesy rules that you keep it together a few minutes longer to make sure your partner is doing OK and has everything they need (especially if you’re the one hosting). Even if your after-care is limited to giving a hug, it is still better than nothing.