9 Steps to Break the Angry Fighting Pattern. Step 1 is a Frustrating Reality.
Posted on April 06, 2014 by Matthew Maynard Marriage Family Therapist, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Tired of fighting and struggling with breaking this pattern with your partner? The solution isn't as difficult as it may appear. Click to learn more.
I recently got some emails from readers saying that the last article was very useful. They also wanted some steps to go about stopping the “never ending game of throne’s battle” they have with their partner over the silliest things.
Most people believe that this process will take months or even years to break, but most people don’t understand the power of using emotional intelligence.
Most believe this is tough because they are waiting for their partner to change, before they start to respond differently towards them.
Please tell me you see the problem with this logic…
This strategic process will cut directly to the core of why you and your partner continue to specifically fight and identify specific ways to meet you and your partners needs more acutely.
Step 1: Accept full and complete personal responsibility for changing this pattern with your partner. Two are needed for a relationship, but it only takes one person to lead the relationship in a better direction.
Step 2: Identify the side benefits that you and your partner receive from this pattern of fighting. Is it more sexy time? Is it an ego boost? Is it so you can both keep your distance so that you’re close, but not close enough to be emotionally hurt if the relationship fails? Is it connecting with family and friends around bitching and complaining about problems because you don’t usually have anything else interesting to talk about? BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Sugar coating these side benefits is putting a cavity in your relationship. Emotional intelligence would be understanding these emotions deeper, and understanding your partners feelings deeper as well.
Step 3: Rank the side benefits in order of significance that you think your partner gets from these fights. When completing this section take into consideration the perspective of your partner to understand how they would feel, not what they would think rationally.
Step 4: Rank the side benefits in order of significance that you think you get from these fights. When completing this section look inwards towards how you feel when ranking your list, because your emotions are driving your behavior more than your rational thoughts.
Step 5: Accept responsibility for meeting these needs for both you, and your partner in a new, more positive way. If you start to say, “well I don’t feel this is my responsibility to fill”, then start all over. You have not accepted full responsibility for changing this pattern. I would definitely recommend thinking about whether you’re ready to be in a relationship. Relationships are work, and this is a big part of the required work.
Step 6: Identify new ways to meet your partners need outside of fighting. This would in turn completely make fighting in an unproductive manner useless. Also identify specific actions that you believe would start to meet your needs, in a more productive and strategic way. Use your imagination! You may be surprised what really awesome idea’s you come up with.
Step 7: Show your partner the list you created for them and yourself. This alone may spark some positive emotions in them, that you’re actually considering how THEY feel. This can expedite the process significantly because your partner can tell you the specific action steps that they would like. They may also identify specific actions you did not even think of to adjust their emotions positively.
Step 8: TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION ON THESE STEPS for both your partner and yourself. You will be amazed at how this can radically change you, and your partners feelings towards one another, in a dramatically positive way. Taking action and putting in effort shows love, care, and concern for your partner.
Step 9: Go through the list implementing these strategic actions for a week. This process will allow you to see if these strategic actions are sustainable and ecological. Tweak the actions as you go through out the week, so they can become sustainable and the new status quo in your relationship.
Best of luck (labor under correct knowledge),
Matt
