Knowing When To Break-Up With A Friend

Posted on June 27, 2014 by Diane Passage, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Is it better to have a few great and reliable friends, or have many ‘fair-weather’ friends? I would imagine the answer depends on what stage of life you’re in or other factors.

When I was in my 20s, I was satisfied with having dozens of friends to hang out with and turned to my family or boyfriends if I needed relationships with depth. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’ve evolved to appreciate more meaningful relationships and I prefer quality over quantity.

Friends come and go with different phases of life, but I’ve managed to hang on to a few close friends for a decade or more and I consider them to be my core group of friends where we’ve proved to each other that no matter where life takes us our friendships remain strong. As with any relationship, there will usually be some imbalance. Maybe one friend requires more attention than you require from them, but you know that when your time of need comes around they will be there for you too.

I recently had a milestone event that I wanted to celebrate with my few close friends. One out of three invited friends took the time out of his day to show up and support me and I was really grateful. The other two ‘core’ friends canceled at the last minute and I also found out that they lied about their reason. I was deeply hurt which led me to reevaluate these decade-long friendships.

Because I’ve known them for so long, I didn’t notice how our friendships eventually became all about them. It occurred to me that I was carrying around these friendships like an old suitcase from ten years ago. It was time for me to let them go and make room for new meaningful friendships.

I was able to tell one of these friends how I felt and she responded with an insincere apology that was all about her, which confirmed I was making the right decision by moving on. I still haven’t talked to the other friend because he’s been difficult to reach. The lack of communication actually says a lot.

So how do you determine whether to move on from a friendship or not? It’s not as easy as doing a list of pros & cons. When there are feelings involved, one negative can un-do all the wonderful feelings of several positives. And how do you know when a friend truly made a mistake? I think feelings and motive play a big role. With my situation, I felt so hurt that an apology didn’t make it better. These two friends were repeat offenders for years and that’s why I considered taking a break or abandoning the relationships altogether. Obviously no one is perfect and we all have friends that disappoint us once in a while. I feel if I can talk about what happened and sense that they truly heard me and are sorry, then I definitely give another chance. And I’ve been on the flip side as well. My loss of friendships due to my mistakes have led me to be more considerate, compassionate and appreciative in my existing friendships.

Friendships are like any other relationship. Communication is key. It’s ideal if both you and your friend feel comfortable being open and honest, listening to each other without judgment, and considerate of each other’s feelings. True friendships are worth everything. And if a friendship isn’t fulfilling it’s ok to let it go and make room for new meaningful relationships – you deserve it!