Help! I'm Afraid of Being Rejected When I Approach Dating Prospects

Posted on September 02, 2014 by Jalaal Aleem Madyun, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

First of all, I have news for you. I need to tell you something that you may not like. You ready?

Here it is: no matter what you do, you absolutely cannot avoid rejection.

At some point or another, it is going to happen. No matter how skilled you become, you are going to be declined from time to time.

If you are still a beginner in dating, you probably don’t want to hear that. But, there is hope. Once you accept this fact, you have a powerful realization.

Rejection is nothing more than an opportunity to learn. When you stop taking rejection personally, you start to see the dynamics that lead up to each decline. In reality, rejection is not the most accurate word, but I use it because it is familiar to most people. In my opinion, you can never get rejected. You simply extend an offer that a person chooses not to accept. That’s it!

Sometimes, their reasoning is not even important for you to know. Take mental notes for next time, but don’t dwell on it.

I’ll give you my personal method for learning to accept rejection. I have a few beliefs about myself that allow me to rationalize the situation. First, I believe that I am physically attractive. I assume that women will agree with me when I approach them. Second, I believe that I approach women in a respectable way. I display respect for myself and respect for them. Third, I am a confident person. I know that my confidence will reflect in my body language and tone of voice.

So, if I am rejected, what do I think to myself? Well, I say, “If an attractive man approaches you with confidence and respect and you decline him, you have a GOOD REASON.”

I don’t even need to know what the specific reason is. I know that it is most likely something that I don’t want to be involved with anyway, at least as your potential date.

You might still be getting over a bitter break-up. You may have a boyfriend. Whatever the reason, if an attractive man with confidence is not appealing to you, then there must be a damn good reason.

I strongly encourage you to think in the same way. It will help you to stop taking rejection personally and it will allow you to pay more attention to the dynamics of the interaction so you can take notes for future approaches.

On to the point of this section…
I want to explain some of the dynamics behind WHY you may be declined. This will help you formulate a comeback or notice patterns in your behavior that you need to change. If you make an offer that is in turn declined, it is normally because of one of three objections:

1) They don’t like YOU
• When you try to engage, do they choose to ignore you?
• Is their attitude unpleasant when you interact?
• Have they verbally stated reasons for tension between you?

2) They don’t like your INTENTIONS
• Are they pleasant and responsive up until the point when you state your intentions?
• Would agreeing with your intentions hurt their reputation?
• Do your intentions conflict with their personal values?
• Have they verbally disagreed with your intentions?
• Have you failed to state your intentions clearly?

3) They don’t like the CONDITIONS
• Are there factors outside of the two of you that may be influencing their response?
• If you reduce the urgency or intensity of your offer, would they accept?
• If you waited until another time, would they accept?
• Do they believe your offer is shifted too much in your favor?

Think back to the last time you were declined. Better yet, go out and approach new people right now and keep approaching until you get declined multiple times.

Which one of the three objections above was the cause?

Memorize the bullet points under each objection. As you are talking to a person and you sense rejection coming, if you can mentally process each one of the questions listed in the bullet points, you will be able to formulate a plan to reverse it before it is too late.

I always tell the people I coach that you have to learn to build rapport to open people up to you, conduct a needs analysis to determine which intentions they would agree with and finally, make a value proposition where the conditions are favorable for them.

In short, if someone objects to your offer, there is something that makes your offer threatening or offensive. You need to pinpoint exactly what that is and reform your offer to move closer to acceptance.

Jalaal Aleem Madyun is a certified Life Coach, Dating Coach and Relationship Coach. He is the founder of JAM Life Coaching. Visit JAMLifeCoaching.com for more insightful resources and coaching programs to help you on your journey to perfecting your value.