3 Habits That Land Couples in the Therapy Room

Posted on July 24, 2015 by Renee Gebhart, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Many issues motivate couples to seek help for their relationship. Some issues are well-known contributors of relationship conflict: affairs, parenting differences, in-law relationships, money management, and sex. In my work, I see 3 habits that ultimately erode relationships over time. For women, the habit is accommodation. For men, two habits are “fixing” and defensiveness. Often these habits loop together creating a very dysfunctional and unsatisfying relationship dynamic.

I’ll start by talking about women and accommodation. I believe many women run the risk of over-accommodating. Why? Because of the direct and indirect messages that our society and culture give about being women: to be good, nice, loving, and that self-sacrifice is virtuous. I am all for that, to a point. Healthy and happy women learn how to know and honor themselves. Going too far in either direction (being selfish or selfless) is sure to have negative consequences, but most of the women I talk with lean towards the selfless end of the continuum.

What does accommodation look like? Many women I know start out with good intentions of giving to their partner out of love but some take it too far. Other women feel compelled to do what others expect them to do, no matter what, operating from a place of compulsive people pleasing. Some women have tried to assert their needs and wants, unsuccessfully, and give up. No matter the reason, when women habitually accommodate, they repeatedly over-honor their partner at the expense of their own “self”.

Unfortunately, when a woman is 1) not aware of, 2) is unable or unwilling to address her needs and wants, or 3) unsuccessfully attempts to address her needs and her wants with her partner, you can be sure that she will eventually feel angry and resentful, first towards her partner and then towards herself. Many women report feeling depressed or complain of “losing it” when they arrive at this place in their life.

Now I will talk about men. The way that this all comes to the surface leaves many men feeling confused and lost. They wonder what is happening, “Where has their loving, kind, sweet, wife gone?” Many men have asked, “What can I do to get her back to how she used to be?” or lamented, “I just want to get back to how we used to be”.

What your partner is feeling cannot be pin pointed to a one time misunderstanding, or a “hormonal” day. Anger and resentment that has slowly built over time cannot be fixed on the spot. Unfortunately many men employ habit #2, “fixing”, offering suggestions or solutions in an effort to make the drama STOP. There is a lot of benefit to a solution finding approach in other circumstances, but believe me, no amount of solution offering will generate peace when your partner is emotional. Why? Basic brain design—most of us cannot focus on a logical solution (front of the brain activity) when we feel hi-jacked by strong emotions (back of the brain activity).

To side step the fixing habit, and to be a leader in the relationship, you will need to exercise other options. You will need to develop ways to acknowledge and honor your partner while at the same time holding steady with yourself.

Men, this is hard work and I feel for you. Because once you successfully do this, you will likely encounter: 1) confusion, “I don’t know what I need” 2) sadness—the kind of crying that has no words to explain, or 3) anger. Often anger shows up as a story of how you hurt her and why.

This is one of the most frustrating scenarios for most men and many men deploy habit #3, defensiveness. What is defensiveness? Defensiveness sounds like an explanation, you telling your side of the story, when you have not been asked to do so. Many men feel compelled to explain because they feel attacked and feel the urge to defend themselves. Many feel compelled to prove that they are a good guy, despite the attack their partner seems to be launching. It is hard to fight this urge, but it is advisable that you seek to understand your partner’s perspective first. If needed, ask to share your perspective later when there is less emotion present.

Let’s talk about new go-to strategies men may use to step out of the defensive or fixing habits.

Use HEARD-FEEL-WANT.
Here is an example: “Honey I hear that you feel overwhelmed and it seems to you that I don’t notice when you need help. I feel sad about that and frustrated because I want to be there for you and I know I have been really overwhelmed and distracted with work. I want you to ask me when you need something and I want to try checking in with you when I come home to see what you need. How would that work for you?”

Another strategy that works well is to simply state the obvious, “I see that you are upset and I don’t know what to do.” There is relief in this; you do not need to have THE answer. Instead, focus on engaging your partner. You might try following up with:

How can I help?
What do you need?
What do you need from me?
Help me understand.
Can you tell me what is working for you? What is not working for you?

Swoon. In many cases, this is enough to melt a woman’s heart and turn the interaction in a different direction, allowing you to leave “Lostville” and feel like the leader your wife secretly desires you to be.

Keep in mind that whatever your partner shares with you is a gift. It may not look or feel like a gift, but it is. Why? If your partner is putting forth the effort and energy to share what is going on with them, it is because they care about the relationship. An angry or sad wife is engaged and that is generally a more hopeful sign than a wife who doesn’t have the energy or desire to share or even be emotional anymore.

What is needed to change these 3 habits is to know how to honor your “self”. My wish for women is to be aware of and honor their wants and needs and learn that it ultimately serves their relationships more when they practice good self care. My wish for men is to hold onto their truth that they are good guys with solid and good intentions and also for men to learn the skills they need to be a confident leader in their relationship(s).