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Taking Responsibility For Your Life

Posted on April 15, 2018 by Aly Ledene, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Overcome being a victim in your own life.

In my background both as a coach and as a former social worker, there has always existed a common theme when people are debating changing or fixing their lives. When our lives don’t pan out how we expected, rather than take responsibility, the pattern is to project blame. This is called “becoming a victim of your own life.” Certainly, there are instances where other people or perhaps the “system” at large has wronged you, held you back, or made you feel like you cannot succeed. However, once we are wronged we can choose to move forward after a time of processing, or we will can fill up a bath of woes, blame, and victimhood and soak right in there. You have control over what you do with your life. Moving forward is hard work, but it is also a choice. Sometimes we stay in victimhood because we want reconciliation; we want someone to apologize, or for things to change, and this must come from “out there.” We may act as if this is our right and it is owed to us. But hold on there, partner. One of the things we must accept in life is that we only have control over ourselves. We cannot control the people in our lives, or the systems surrounding us. But we can advocate for ourselves, and we can initiate change in our own lives. We have the power to get “unstuck” and it all starts in our thinking and how we narrate the world.

Bullying
Ok, so if somebody is being mean to you or making you feel terrible, that is terrible. And while it is not your fault for being the victim of someone else’s poor choice of word or actions, you are the only person responsible for ensuring you are treated well. It’s like the old saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” People who are bullies will target people that they think will not protest their abuse. I am not so crass to state firmly that being treated bad by someone is all on you. However, you do have the power to set boundaries for what is acceptable regarding your treatment.

I have heard stories of workplace bullying, some of these stories span over several years, even decades. However, when I investigate further, it is often revealed that standing up for yourself via telling people to stop treating you badly, has never entered the equation. People will allow this behaviour to continue rather than risk feeling uncomfortable in an effort to having it end. Again, people allow this to happen them.

Initiating Life Change
I feel very strongly about this portion, because this is something I have learned in my personal life, over and over again. Another version of being a victim is telling ourselves we aren’t: good enough, strong enough, worthy enough, or whatever enough to have what we want in our lives. Initiating changes into our lives usually involves: taking a leap of faith, being scared and uncomfortable, and doing it anyway. In other words, vulnerability is required, and success is never guaranteed. So, we choose to stay safe and miserable.

Let’s say you always dreamed of living in a big city. But moving is scary and creates a lot of change, uncertainty, and discomfort. You might listen to your anxiety “Oh, I couldn’t do that.” “I am not confident enough to make a change.” “I would probably fail, and failing is the worst.” Sometimes, instead of stating we aren’t good enough, we protect our ego with “I heard there’s lots of crime in big cities, I don’t want to live around crime!” or “I probably wouldn’t like it. I like where I am now.” If you listen to that voice you are going to stay where you are at. But now you are the victim of your circumstances and your life will remain stagnant, no change. Maybe the worst thing that will happen is you will stay where you are at. Maybe where you are at is tolerable, but you are picking safety and victimhood over challenge, change, and most importantly: growth.

Other People Take Responsibility
Growing up, I always looked up to people like Roseanne Barr, because people like her have a voice and attitude that demand your respect. You won’t be stealing Roseanne Barr’s seat on an airplane. I have a friend with a firm mom voice that she isn’t afraid to use. She’s never rude, she’s never unreasonable, but she gets the respect that she demands. This is because she: make boundaries around what is acceptable behaviour, demand respect in return for being respectful, and they don’t feel ashamed about it.

Additionally, you may have noticed that everything you have ever wanted to do or have; someone else is doing or having it. We tend to pump people up and act as if they are extraordinary or demi-Gods. But guess what, every Olympic athlete, celebrity, politician, etc. are made of the same particles and matter you are. They just chose to dare, chose to try, and kept investing and believing in themselves until it happened – they met their goals. And guess what, is was scary and they probably failed many times along the way. You can do it too.

Take Responsibility Now
Some people’s entire lives are entrenched and defined by being a victim to life. It can be small, or big. If you are really good at being a victim, nothing is your fault and you are just the unfortunate recipient of back-to-back episodes of bad luck. But the fun part is, you can and should change this. It takes some time. It takes changing the way you see yourself and the way you see the world. But it all starts with your thinking.

I have seen people order a meal, and after the waiting staff leaves say “They probably wont get it right.” When their food arrives, something is always wrong with it. This isn’t always the “law of attraction” in play, because some people aren’t happy with anything they receive in life and will always find fault. That is being a victim. Some people will wish for more love and affection in their marriage, but then refuse to even tell their partner what their needs are, or even imply there is a problem. Then they continue to feel isolated and alone but then blame it on their partner. A wise person once said, “Your life is what you tolerate.” Don’t tolerate being a victim to life any longer. Take charge, take action, take responsibility. You don’t need to reconcile the past because the past does not exist any longer. We talk about the past like it is a place that we can visit. It’s not. Psychologists state that our mood impacts our memories, so your perception of what happened to you years prior changes depending on how you feel. As does how your life in the present. Its all about mindset. Don’t wait for your co-worker to stop bullying you. Tell them to bug off! “I don’t appreciate being talked to that way, and you need to stop now.” Bam. Done. If you want to try something, don’t belittle yourself or live in jealousy of slightly braver people, do it now! Give it a try. Start with something small even. If you fail, its okay, its trial and error. If you are unhappy in your relationship either work on it or ditch it. You deserve to feel good about yourself and experience joy in life. Change your mind, change your life.

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