Draw Your Line with Boundaries!
Posted on August 12, 2018 by Dawn Koufakis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
What are boundaries? Why are they important and how do they affect our lives?
Drawing the Line with Boundaries
Setting Boundaries is not an act of aggression but rather an act of self-empowerment!
By Dawn Koufakis-Basel
The best definition of the word “boundary” that I have found is this; Unofficial rules about what should not be done: limits that define acceptable behavior.I like this definition because in the time of the #metoo movement it is appropriate. Even the definitions that refer to boundaries as being markers of space and time apply. Boundaries are the things that we never discuss as children and only stumble upon, these things that govern our lives, as adults.
For many of us our parents may have set examples that became boundary markers. An example would be when parents taught us to take care of our room and belongings. This set the stage for us to know that we should not live in unkempt and unhealthy spaces. The practice of caring for belongings and personal space led to a desire for things to be a certain way in order for us to be comfortable. The boundary taught by this example is to not be willing to live in chaos and filth. So we will strive for certain order in the spaces we inhabit. I am sure that few of your parents even used the word, boundary, even as they were teaching one.
Because boundaries are things that have been taught subconsciously, we have very low awareness of the tendencies that have become common when it comes to governing our lives. Boundaries apply to us in many ways. We have relationship boundaries, physical boundaries, spiritual boundaries, sexual boundaries, professional, emotional, moral, and psychological boundaries that should but often times do not guard our lives. But boundaries do not fully exist in a life that has not yet become aware of them and the purpose they serve. The truth is that we are in control of our lives but many of us learn or are forced to surrender our own power. It could start as simply as being showered with praise for being “pretty” by parents, but never being rewarded for hard work or talent. This sends a message that being pretty is the thing that is most valued about you. Once you become a woman it is not hard to understand why you might seek your value through your “prettiness”. This might lead to relationships that focus on your exterior and not value your intellect or talents to the same degree.
My work as a Life Coach over the past 5 years has led me to take a particular focus in the area of boundaries and how they, or the lack of them, shape our lives. Through work with women’s groups in the area of divorce, parenting and self-empowerment I began to see a common theme. Weak or lack of boundaries create a life that is fraught with stress and struggle. Boundaries allow us to say “no” to what is not good for us and “yes” to the things and people who are. I have co-written a book with my good friend and fellow Life Coach, Alison Smith entitled “Draw Your Line, Step by Step”. This book is designed to start a necessary conversation among women around the topic of boundaries. I know from experience that the best way to gain self-awareness is alongside others who are on a similar journey to learn truths about themselves and make necessary changes to become stronger and more at peace.
The journey of setting boundaries requires commitment to self and commitment to change. It is not easy but “Drawing Your Line” is a guide that will lead you in the right direction. There are 14 steps in the program and it is written as an 8 week/ 2-hour weekly commitment within the structure of a support group. The book is a guide, journal and workbook all in one. Each week we delve into the journey that will take you one step closer to finding your voice and creating the life that you deserve surrounded by the people who deserve you.
Dawn Koufakis-Basel
