5 Reasons Relationships Fail
There are many reasons that relationships fail and cause high rates of divorce and breakups. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, limiting beliefs.
In our current society, divorce rates and relationship break-ups are astounding. One look at your inner circle will reveal the struggle with relationships in general: with your spouse or significant other, your friends, family, and co-workers. There are many reasons that relationships fail, and I’ve comprised a list of a few that are significant to me. They speak to our relationships with our spouse or significant other, but they can be applied to any of the relationships in our lives.
1) Your relationship is based on Ego instead of Essence.
We’ve all been there, making relationship choices based solely on physical attributes. The physical attraction is off the charts and we are drawn together like steel to a magnet. I’m not implying there shouldn’t be chemistry or physical attraction, however, what other qualities does your partner have besides looking good or hot or sexy? Making a connection based on essence is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. The physical attraction wanes after a while and if this is the only reason you’re together, then what’s left? Who is this person? Who are they are at their core? Essence is defined as: “the basic, real, and invariable nature of a thing or it’s significant individual feature or features.” When we choose a partner based on essence instead of ego, our choice is rooted in something that’s more permanent than physical attributes. Emotionally Intelligent, funny, easy going, compassionate, good listener, understanding, kind, open minded, and committed to personal development are a few things that come to mind when I think of a person’s essence. When we choose our partners based on essence rather than ego we have a much better chance at forming a successful, long lasting relationship.
2) Your relationship is based on a potential instead reality.
Most people will reveal who they really are early in a relationship. The question is, do you listen? Or do you fabricate a story about someone’s potential and who they could be in the future? I’ve done it a million times. I overlook the red flags, the yellow flags, the behaviors that make me uncomfortable, and I ignore the facts. I see only the good, redeeming qualities of someone even if there are very few or the person is outright toxic. I get caught up in my own private fictional story of who this person is and how much potential they have. They will be an amazing partner if they just____ (fill in the blank). It’s a blessing and a curse. I know deep inside the potential exists to be kinder, sober, and more motivated but the reality is: today they are not any of those things. Choosing a partner based on facts not fiction is one of the keys to the success of any relationship.
3) You haven’t developed a loving relationship with yourself.
We often look to another person to complete us and make us feel whole. We spend our time desperately searching for the love and acceptance we did not receive in our childhood. How many times have you heard the phrase: “I’ve found my other half?” The truth is we do not need another person to complete us and we are not a half. We are complete and whole just as we are. We will be successful in relationships when we are having a successful, loving relationship with ourselves. This takes time and work, but happiness truly is an inside job and cannot be found in a person or thing. Once you truly fall in love with yourself, you have a greater chance of creating the successful relationship you desire.
4) You’re not ready for a commitment.
We live in a world of instant gratification. I can order things online and have them at my doorstep practically the same day. If I feel happy, sad or angry, I can send a text or post something on social media and get instant results. When the honeymoon stage of our relationship is over we are inclined to look somewhere else for that adrenaline rush we were initially getting from our partner. Therefore, we bolt at the first sign of any kind of trouble or discomfort. “She’s always late, leaves the house a mess, or things aren’t like they were when we first started dating, he used to text me all the time and bring me flowers every week.” Once those endorphins have returned to normal, what was once endearing and cute is now something that gets on your nerves and makes you crazy. Here is where the real work begins, and you commit to having a relationship. Be realistic about the amount of time, effort, and energy required to create a successful relationship because much to your chagrin, they do require work.
5) You do not know each other’s “love language.”
There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. After the honeymoon stage of a relationship – which can last up to two years, many relationships fail. Divorce rates are illustrative of this fact. “There are five emotional love languages – five ways that people speak and understand love. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.” (David Chapman) When we do not speak our partners love language, we are unable to convey our love for them and we are unable to connect in a meaningful way. We often speak our own love language to our partners, but they are unable to “hear” it because they do not understand it. For instance, my primary love language is spending quality time with people: when people spend time with me I feel loved and cared for. When they don’t, I feel unloved and neglected. My partner may speak words of affirmation to me every single day, but this is not my love language, so I do not understand or interpret it as love. Therefore, it’s vital to the success of your relationship to learn and speak your partners love language.