The Ego

Posted on November 15, 2019 by Maryam A, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

I think the ego is like the outer layer of a molten lava chocolate cake. It needs to be broken or cracked in order to reveal the sweet, rich and flavourful lava of chocolate that’s inside.

Similarly in humans, the ego is simply a hard exterior created by our own minds to protect our most vulnerable feelings and thoughts. The more hurt-averse you are, the tougher this exterior is.

The ego is a personality that a person thinks he/she needs to embody in order to avoid feeling hurt.
 For example, a not-so-wealthy person who believes that appearing to be rich would garner him the respect & admiration from his friends. He is afraid to appear otherwise because he is afraid of getting hurt when he is rejected by his friends. Any threat to this “image” that this person has created in his mind is a threat to the protective layer that this person has created and feels safe in. When this exterior is threatened, for example: when the financial difficulties of this person’s family is exposed, he will feel anxious, and in an emotionally immature person, this would translate into anger because he doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way and this makes him frustrated. This is why a lot of people get easily angered when their ego is bruised. It is actually not anger that they feel – it is the feeling of confusion, frustration and fear of feeling hurt/rejected that’s causing this mix of emotions that people label as “anger”.


In relationships, ego can also manifest itself as a lack of connection and intimacy between a couple as they do not connect on a deeper & more intimate level. Their communication is kept very on-the-surface, superficial and defensive, in order to protect themselves from being vulnerable and feeling hurt. Some then fall into a faulty assumption that sex is the culprit for their lack of emotional connection or relationship satisfaction. They try really hard to work on their sex lives thinking this will revive the intimacy felt during the start of the relationship. They don’t realise that sex is just a symptom of a bigger underlying issue.


Studies have shown that people who have the highest sexual satisfaction are in fact long-term married couples. What this shows is that intimacy for couples do not decrease over time, and that novel/new sexual encounters are not necessarily the most satisfying. In a committed relationship, it is NOT novelty that contributes to satisfaction, but emotional connection. 
I read this somewhere and felt that it accurately explains what I’m trying to say above – "The deeper you are able to connect with your partner emotionally, the more dynamic your sexual experience will be. The greater your emotional connection is with your partner, the more in tune you will be with their physical and sexual needs. Emotional connection requires the most sensitivity of any of our needs, so it is the most important connection to have. Since emotions are the least known connection and the hardest to observe, we tend to place too much importance on sexuality and physicality in our problems”


Now HOW do we connect on a deeper level?
By removing our “shell” of course – not putting up a front, not feeling like we should behave/think a certain way, sharing our deepest feelings and vulnerabilities and not being afraid of getting hurt. Basically letting our egos go.
What many don’t know is… your true authentic self, minus the ego, is what makes you attractive. Just like the molten lava cake – the insides are the best part about the cake. Most attractive people feel and aren’t afraid to be themselves because they do not constantly feel like they have to behave or think a certain way to be accepted by others. They do not have to create a “shell” around them to feel safe, they are at peace with themselves and secure enough inside to let people in on their feelings and not require a thick protective layer around them to protect them.


Ego says “once everything falls into place, I will find peace”. Spirit says “find peace and everything will fall into place” – This quote summarizes everything perfectly. Ego believes that by working on our outer shells we would eventually find happiness when people respect and admire us.
But do we want this superficial kind of respect & admiration? What happens when your wealth disappears? What happens when you’re in trouble? Are people willing to go out of their way to help you when you’re at the bottom?


On the other hand, when you work on yourself from the inside, get to know yourself and accept yourself for who you are you’d feel something that’s even better than “happiness”. You’d feel contentment. This positive state of mind attracts positive things. You’d find that you’d be surrounded by genuine people who love you for who you are, not for what you have. These are the kind of relationships that bring you true and long-lasting happiness.


So there you have it. Let your guards down, shed your ego and feel free to let your inner self shine through because that’s where the good stuff is ;p