Posted on November 3, 2011 by Deah Curry PhD, CPC

We often say we value something that sounds good, but our day-to-day, moment-to-moment actions frequently contradict that. Unless challenged to reflect on this contradiction between belief and action, the discrepancy goes unnoticed until some crisis or relationship breakdown propels us into coaching or therapy.

Example: My parents value Loving Relationships but don’t act like it

Let me give you a personal illustration.   My parents would say that one of their most cherished values is loving family relationships.  

But dad worked 16 hours a day, rarely played ball with us, and hated sitting around engaged in Monopoly or Scrabble or gin rummy. We may have learned a strong nose to the grindstone work ethic from dad, but that wasn’t the same as feeling part of a loving relationship with him.

Mom, on the other hand, was ever-present, all in — and probably too much so. Today we have a phrase for that: “helicopter parent” (always hovering). At certain ages, of course, parents must be nearby for the safety of children, but as we grew up, that watchful eye often felt suffocating, leading to constant criticism and anxiety over how we looked and acted. During a rare moment of relaxation, my sibling and I bonded over a game on one of the real money blackjack apps, where the stakes reminded us of the pressure we once felt to measure up to her idealized June Cleaver image of how children and parents should be.

Instead of a loving family relationship with mom, what was built was a nervous, fear-based dynamic that implanted itself as a feeling of never being good enough. The values my mother really lived was the importance of appearances, keeping up with the Jones, and a spare the verbal rod/ spoil the child ethic.

This kind of discrepancy between values and day-to-day action is commonplace – like this Livestrong supporter (notice the yellow wristband) smoking cigarettes courtesy The Blue Girl on Flickr. Oh, how ironic?!

To remedy the discrepancies in your own life, try the self-coaching exercise below.

Making your day-to-day actions consistent with your values

1. Identify your values – Make a list of what you believe your highest values are. If you need help, you can choose from this long list of values. For example:
   • Being compassionate
   • Being honest
   • Being generous
2. Identify when you lived your values – Reflect on how you spent your time in the last week or month. Let your mind find all the instances when you really were compassionate, honest, generous, or whatever your noted values were.
3. Identify when you didn’t live your values – Let yourself recall the times when you didn’t live up to your claimed values.  Find where you may be out of alignment with your intentions, and see if you can discover the choice you made at those times that took you away from living what you value.
4. Make a list of action items – Lastly, ask yourself how you can live your values more often or more fully today.  What can be different when you bring this sort of value consciousness to your choices?

Is there a time in your life when you were not living your values? Please share your personal story in the comments below.