Posted on December 15, 2009 by Stephan Wiedner

What is the glue that holds relationships together? What makes friendships last? It turns out that there is an increasing amount of research being done in this area indicating that strong interpersonal relationships are built on a foundation of well-delivered appreciation toward the other person.

Showing appreciation is closely tied to acknowledgment – a coaching skill familiar to most coaches. Ever since my coach training, in both of my roles as coach and manager, I’ve been trying to figure out what makes a good acknowledgment. Does a well delivered acknowledgment show appreciation for the individual’s skills, actions, talents, strengths, values? Is a good acknowledgment short, long, best delivered in person, or in writing? Or is it a combination of the above.

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, the author of the popular book Positivity, spoke at the ICF conference earlier this month and she provides a much simpler measure. She states that a high-quality expression of appreciation causes the recipient to feel understood. The resulting thought or feeling presented by the recipient is that the thanker “gets me”. It seemed so unscientific coming from a rigorous researcher like Dr. Fredrickson but it makes perfect sense and it’s easy to remember.

How to show appreciation so the other person feels understood

Here are two short examples to illustrate how to show appreciation so the recipient of your gratitude feels understood.

During her presentation, Dr. Fredrickson told us about a study in which she brought 75 couples into the lab and asked each person to choose something nice that their partner had done for them recently, for which they felt grateful. Then she gave each person up to five minutes to thank their partner for the thing they had chosen. The example of a high-quality expression of appreciation she provided went something like this:

Harry & Sally (fictional names)
Harry: I want to thank you for grabbing an extra lemon bar from your work function and bringing it home for me.
Sally: You’re welcome. [blushing slightly] I guess I should try to bake lemon bars every now and again.
Harry: No, I don’t care about the lemon bars. It’s your thoughtfulness that counts.
Sally: Really?! [blushing]
Harry: Yes! You are always looking for little ways to make other people happier. You take a few seconds out of your busy day to think of me and consider how I might appreciate a lemon bar. And you do this for everyone. Not just me. You’re so thoughtful and considerate.

At this point in the conversation, you could imagine how Sally is glowing. She certainly feels that Harry ‘gets’ her. She feels understood, valued, and cared for.

Contrary to this is an example of Bryan thanking Betty for his guitar.
Bryan: Thank you for the awesome guitar you bought me. The sound it produces rocks my world.
Betty: You’re welcome Bryan.
Bryan: Ya, I gotta tell you, I played ’til my fingers bled. Me and some guys from school had a Band and we tried real hard. Jimmy quit and Jody got married. I shoulda known we’d never get far. Oh when I look back now, it seemed to last forever and if I had the choice, ya, I’d always wanna be there. Those were the best days of my life.
Betty: [rolling eyes]

You can see how this expression of gratitude is me-focused and can be more accurately described as an expression of joy. Bryan is happy, not grateful. As a result, Betty has a more neutral emotional reaction to this verbal exchange.

The Benefits of Receiving Appreciation

Earlier this week, Noomii CEO Kurt Shuster wrote about the science of giving. He demonstrates that helping other people causes the helper to be happier and live longer – sometimes even more than the person being helped. When it comes to showing appreciation, the benefits are experienced by both the giver and receiver – physical, psychological, social, and even cognitive benefits.

At the University of Virginia, sororities welcome new members by conducting a 4-day period of anonymous pampering. Each “Little Sister” (new member) is pampered by a “Big Sister” (a little sister the previous year) and only after the event is the match-up revealed. The study, led by Sara B. Algoe, demonstrates that the quality of perceived thoughtfulness leads to better one-to-one relationships (increased feelings of “connectedness”) and group relationships (increased feelings of being an integral part of the group).

These benefits are not just an end unto themselves. The idea is that these benefits help the individual develop greater resources and capacity to deal with day-to-day life.

4 Ways to Use Appreciation to Strengthen Your Relationships

1. Ask the coachee if you “get” them – Many coaches conduct informal feedback surveys during or at the end of the coaching. Why not include a question along the lines of “Do you feel understood by me?” or “Do you feel that I understand, value, and care for you?” or even simpler “Do I get you?”. See what kind of responses you get.

2. Invest in the relationship early on – Since appreciation is a predictor of future relationship satisfaction, take the time at the beginning of the relationship to get to understand your client (this is often called a discovery session). By gathering information about the coachee, you are more able to show genuine appreciation for them and build a long-lasting relationship.

3. Show appreciation with non-verbal communication – Coaches have many opportunities to acknowledge their clients during the coaching session. How about between sessions? The acts of appreciation performed in the sorority study were anonymous gestures with no direct communication. Start by writing something nice about the coachee following your coaching session and sending it to them after your session is complete.

4. Have an appreciation day at work – If you work in an office or coach within an organization, consider organizing an appreciation day where each individual is given the task of showing appreciation for someone else in the office. In lieu of that, train managers to give appreciation to their staff in regular one-on-one meetings.

No doubt there are other ways to put this information into practice. Any other suggestions? Please share them in the comment section below.