Posted on February 16, 2010 by Stephan Wiedner

While Tiger and Elin Woods might make the headlines, millions of ordinary couples are also grappling with the pain of adultery.

“Elin might feel incredibly isolated and alone,” suggests relationship coach Hadley Earabino, “but this planet is full of men and women who have experienced the pain of betrayal.”

Tiger is allegedly struggling with a sex addiction, which some doctors classify as a disease. But the basic story – a spouse cheating on another spouse – is overwhelmingly common.

A 2002 study in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy indicates that up to 55% of married women and 60% of married men engage in some kind of cheating over the course of their married life. That means that the number of people who cheat on their spouse is about the same as the number of people who play video games, Earabino points out.

“Elin is definitely not alone in this situation,” adds Earabino, “She might be feeling alone, as well as shocked, angry and humiliated, but she is definitely in good company.”

Expert relationship coach Hadley Earabino has kindly provided us with 3 amazing tips for navigating, as an individual or as a coach, the dark and ugly waters stirred up by infidelity:

1. Know that both parties suffer

Tiger is allegedly suffering with a sex addiction, which is the case for many chronic philanderers. While scientists do not agree on whether out-of-control sexuality should be called an “addiction” or an “obsessive-compulsive disorder,” they all agree that the addict suffers. One 1991 study by prominent addiction expert Patrick Carnes, showed that out of the 752 male and 180 female sex addicts surveyed, nearly all of them reported strong feelings of shame, isolation, loneliness, hopelessness and despair as a result of their addiction.

While the field of sex addiction research is new (the Carnes study was the first of its’ kind,) the number of people seeking relief in “sex rehab” is growing rapidly. In all likelihood, Tiger is actually suffering deeply, and has been for some time.

Loosening her attachment to the thought, “I’m the only one suffering,” might relieve some of Elin’s anguish, and give her a broader perspective.

2. Understand that people are homo-sapiens

According to at least one therapy journal, about half of married people cheat at some point. If that isn’t enough to make you realize how common this problem is, it turns out most people philander at about the same time. There may be a kind of biological divorce clock.

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of The Anatomy of Love, what this couple is going through is actually typical of the species.

The Statistical Office of the United Nations takes a census every ten years. Fisher reports that if you look at this sample, from all over the world, it turns out that divorce – for couples in 58 different cultures – peaks at the four-year mark.

Why four years? (We thought it was the seven-year-itch.) Fisher has a theory about this finding. “The human pair bond originally evolved to last long enough to raise a single child through infancy,” she writes. “The four-year human reproductive cycle may be a biological phenomenon.”

And guess what? Tiger and Elin are headed for their fourth anniversary this year, unless they divorce. It turns out that evolutionarily speaking, having a child draws a man and a woman together at least long enough to raise that child through infancy. After that, the drive to stay together is weakened, and divorce or separation is more likely.

If we believe Fisher’s theory, there may be a biological factor involved in why so many marriages break up at around the four-year mark. This does not excuse Tiger’s behavior, or anyone else’s, but we are not here to judge. A coach can help you put your problems in perspective–eventually.

3. There is clean pain and there is dirty pain

Of course, someone who has just experienced a betrayal by a spouse is going to hit you with a baseball bat if you make any of these suggestions right away. Here’s an important distinction: There is clean pain and then there is dirty pain.

You’re in tears because you just found out your husband slept with a dozen women…and counting = Clean Pain

You’re constantly in tears because your ex-husband slept with another woman thirty years ago = Dirty Pain

Proponents of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) subscribe to the belief that we can let go of unnecessary suffering by making this distinction.

Clean pain is fresh. It is raw. It makes other people want to cry too.

Dirty pain is old. It has been recycled over and over. It doesn’t make other people want to cry with you, it makes other people want to turn on the television.

That bit about dirty pain was a bit of an exaggeration, but it helps make the point. Most of the pain we deal with on a daily basis—as coaches and as clients—is dirty pain. It is the thoughts we are having about reality, according to ACT theory, and not reality itself, that is causing all the pain.

Recognizing that you’re not alone, or that there may be a biological drive at work might be helpful when we are wading through dirty pain. But if the wound is still fresh, sometimes we just need to take the time to grieve.

About Hadley Earabino

Hadley Earabino is an expert relationship coach based out of Atlanta Georgia. She is trained by Martha Beck, Oprah’s favorite life coach. After dealing with a divorce and a job that she outgrew, Hadley now lives a blessed life, one filled with love, adventure, creativity, dancing, poetry, children and dogs.