Is He a Forgetful Jerk on Valentine’s Day? Does it matter?
Posted on February 10, 2010 by Maia Berens, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
If your needs are satisfied throughout the year, who cares about Valentine's Day? Do you know your needs? Do your fulfill them?
I had this great awareness the other day and decided to write about it since writing is one of the things I love to do. I asked my lovely husband of 23 years if he wanted read it and he was moved to write a comment for me. My article and his comment are below. Read those and hen I’ll tell you how it all ties in with Valentine’s Day whether if he forgets, it matters or not.
MY ARTICLE:* Three Vital Ingredients to Success in a Long-Term Marriage
It makes sense. With billions of us on the planet, we were probably meant to have intimate relationships. What with the urge to have children, the urge to partner, the urge to be loved and understood, the urge to not have to do life alone, of course, eventually most of us want a partner.
Well, I am one of the lucky ones. After two false starts (2 marriages) – one that lasted 15 years and one that lasted 6 months, I finally got it right. I’ve been happily married for 23 years. My husband is a wonderful man. He is good-looking, kind, smart, loving, gentle and aware. I don’t think I’ve ever really understood why awareness is so important in an intimate relationship until recently.
Here’s what I mean: Looking at the nitty gritty of choosing a partner, I realized that 3 things are vital in choosing a long-term partner (to me, anyway).
1. He holds me big. What I mean by that is he sees me and always has as a highly successful, talented woman even when the outward evidence has not always born that out. He sees my potential and treats me like I am who he sees me as and who my Real Self is.
2. He’s aware. He can see through to what is true so he knows if his own stuff (definition of stuff is unresolved childhood issues) is getting in the way somehow. He’d know it if he were being competitive with me, for example. He’s aware not only of my stuff showing up, but his own.
3. He’s not afraid to communicate. He knows that he is coming from love when he says difficult things to me. More importantly, I know that. So I know that what he is telling me he’s observing about me, is how it is – not some underhanded way of being right and making me wrong.
HIS COMMENTS: _I read your 3 ingredients thing just now and I have a couple of comments. First, thanks for all the nice things you say about me but it’s not quite like that. If I was a guy looking for a relationship and read your article, I would feel really challenged to live up to this living God that you described as me.
I don’t exhibit all of those qualities all of the time. I maybe exhibit some of those qualities some of the time and I certainly had only a glimmer of those qualities 25 years ago when we first met.
I agree that it is a natural tendency for humans to form intimate long-term intimate relationships. Forming relationships is not the problem. Staying in them and being satisfied, that’s the kicker.
I have been in 2 failed marriages as well, along with some other relationships of various lengths, and here is my personal experience of what Maia and I have today.
It goes like this …if you are lucky enough to find the right person and if you are willing to change and become more of your real self in a process that lasts forever and if you are willing to do whatever it takes to make your relationship stronger and more passionate each year ……then the process becomes the reward and the fun is in the doing and I am one lucky S.O.B. Thank you, GOD._
What does all of the above have to do with Valentine’s Day?
Most years I don’t really care very much about Valentine’s Day. I get so much love and attention on a frequent basis, that I don’t need a special day for that. Don’t get me wrong. I like to be remembered as much as the next woman but I’ve felt so filled up, that it was no big deal.
Well, last year I was immediately cranky to my husband today because he forgot. He even asked a couple of times over the last couple of weeks when the big day was – and on February 14th – nothing. But here’s the important part, knowing that I have the freedom to be honest and the requirement to be honest if I want no resentment to pile up, I told him immediately. He was suitably sorry and I felt fine immediately. I take this as a testament to the years of emotional honesty we have built up. There were no other resentments that wanted to tag along on this little disappointment.
So Happy Valentines Day and I’m fairly certain I will get a card or something this year before the day is over but I forgive him either way.