Don't "Should" All Over Yourself.
Posted on March 01, 2023 by Bryan Yates, One of Thousands of Performance Coaches on Noomii.
If you want to propel yourself forward, be precise in your language. Focus on using words that nourish, energize, and uplift. Should isn't one of 'em.
How many times have you “should” your britches today?
Lapsing into the subjunctive verb mood is so instinctively ingrained in all our speech. You see a friend who’s changed their body through some nutrition program and the instinctual response is to say, “I should do that.” Perhaps another friend mentions how meditation is helping their relationship game, and without a thought your inner voice says, “you should do that too.” “Should” is designed to express a thing that has yet to happen. It’s also a word with sub-conscious judgmental attachments.
For so many, there’s a very natural emotional response to “should.” It’s to feel criticized, less than, incomplete, and judged. Telling yourself “I should [fill in the blank],” is a linguistic way to keep yourself from self-acceptance. When we do not practice self-acceptance, we then become susceptible to other forms of thoughts, beliefs, actions designed to seek that acceptance externally. Critical judgement can slam the door on the momentum of possibility fast AF.
As a coach, when a client says they “should” do a thing, I actually hear their doubt … their hesitation. I feel that halt in their step. I witness them sowing the seeds for their own defeat before they’ve even gotten started. Life gives us enough obstacles. We don’t need to make our own self-talk one of them.
Becoming cognizant of how you “should all over yourself,” is a form of mindfulness. It requires that you listen closely to how you express ideas to others and what your thoughts are telling you. Here are three methods I’ve used to change this in myself.
1. Notice What Happens When You Use Should. What were your feeling or thinking when you said it. What subtle or overt judgements did you attach to it? What must you have been believing about yourself when you said it?
3. Replace Should With Could. This is the first-person conditional mood. Could is a way of expressing something that is likely to happen in the future. In other words, could expresses what is possible. If, like me, you’re at all oppositionally defiant, “could” triggers an almost immediate call to personal action. Notice the difference between saying “I should run a marathon” and “I could run a marathon.” I don’t know about you, but reading “I could run a marathon” puts a little wind at the back and opens me up to the possibility. (FWIW, Running’s for fugitives.)
2. Give Should Its Own Personality. When I hear myself saying “I should,” I now imagine it’s one of my parents saying it. At this point in my life, I have pretty strict boundaries around unsolicited parenting. For some of you, that might be a former employer, teacher, coach, or partner. Taking ownership for how we speak to ourselves is one way we learn improved self-leadership and self-parenting.
If you want to propel yourself forward, be precise in your language. Focus on using words that nourish, energize, and uplift. Should ain’t one of ’em.
peace & serenity,
Bryan
