Arguing
Posted on March 15, 2023 by Naomi Raiselle, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Why do we argue? Does arguing ever get us what we really want?
Arguing usually occurs when we feel misunderstood or judged. We are actually feeling “one down” in terms of our standing in the relationship. “One down” feels less than. When we argue, we are doing the best we know to present and defend our point of view. We want to be heard. We want to be understood. Yet arguing rarely accomplishes this. Should we argue strongly and successfully we may be able to get our partners to back down and agree with us simply because we have worn them out.
Have you ever argued a point, then had the other person agree reluctantly but in the end you felt no better than at the start of the argument? This happens because all arguments are intended to make you feel connected and closer to the other person. “Please understand me!” we shout.
So what do you do when you and another dear to you feel like you’re light years apart? Instead of arguing, try asking questions. Instead of stating and restating your point of view, put your energy into understanding the OTHER person’s perspective. Keep asking questions and hopefully the other person will be willing to do the same, and much of the time you will find that this strategy causes you to forget why you were arguing in the first place!
