Men, Competition, and the Cost of Disconnection
Posted on July 08, 2025 by Marc Kolman, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.
Increasing self-awareness around intentions and actions brings us closer to what we value most: connection.
Competition can be a powerful force. It can inspire growth, foster camaraderie, and strengthen teamwork. However, it can also be destructive, leading to isolation, hurt feelings, and wounded egos.
I recognize that I compete both with others and with myself. As I become more aware of the subtle ways competition shows up in my life, I see how it can either bring me closer to others or create distance, leaving me feeling disconnected. Beyond physical competition—such as sports, where the goal is to win against an opponent or surpass my personal best—competition also emerges in more nuanced ways:
Correcting — This can sometimes feel like one-upmanship, sharing the obvious, or trying to refine someone else’s thoughts. There’s a fine line between embellishing and correcting. Embellishing seeks to deepen understanding and strengthen connection. Correcting can stem from a need to be right, which may make the other person feel wrong, ultimately weakening connection.
Comparing — We all compare ourselves to others and to our past selves. Who is stronger, smarter, or wealthier? Can I run faster, lift more, or endure longer? The key is intention. If comparison is used to uplift, encourage, or support growth, it can be beneficial. However, when it serves to diminish or put someone down, it becomes harmful.
Cutting, Insulting, and Sarcasm – Humor can bring people together, but when it comes at the expense of another, it can be destructive. Sarcasm, while often witty, can also mock, belittle, or express contempt. It sometimes acts as a shield, using humor to deflect deeper emotions. When I use sarcasm, I recognize that it rarely fosters real closeness.
Interrupting and Speaking Over Others – At times, enthusiasm can lead me to jump into a conversation before someone has finished. While this might seem like a natural expression of excitement, it can also discourage the other person from fully expressing their thoughts. Before speaking, I try to consider whether my words are offered at the right time, whether they are kind, whether they are true, and whether they are necessary.
Unsolicited Counseling and Advice – A therapist once told me that two kinds of advice are rarely helpful: advice that isn’t asked for and advice that serves my needs more than the other person’s. Offering unsolicited advice often creates defensiveness rather than connection.
Ultimately, intention is everything. Intention reflects what I mean to do, while actions are what I actually do. Positive intentions foster connection and bridge the gap between myself and others. Negative intentions, whether conscious or unconscious, can be harmful. I don’t always have perfect clarity about my motives—whether they stem from self-interest or a genuine desire to help. However, increasing my self-awareness around my intentions and actions brings me closer to what I value most: connection.
