Healing anxiety with love and light.
She awoke with the tightness in her chest and the familiar feeling of worry in her head. It was the morning ritual she knew all too well. She wondered why after all these years she still felt the soreness in her soul, the pain in her heart and the gnawing in her mind, when would it be healed completely, she thought. Sixteen years of therapy seemed like a long time and her patience was growing thin, but was it acceptable to let go completely, that held her back? The familiar dance of childhood dysfunction, the longing to be loved by her mother, the desire to have a normal family. What is normal she thought?
Now, a mother herself she realized the anguish that she endured as a child and even though never physical abuse, the constant stress, and terror of insecurity and chaos created a dragon in her heart that would burn a hole in her chest with fear. Her mom was a sad woman, she never smiled, she told her children they ruined her life and constantly told them she would leave. Her father was a good man, but anger and resentment consumed him too, they mixed like fire and gasoline, always an explosion. There were very few good days, mostly bad, full of fighting and fear, she never knew what to expect and fear grew.
She was a good girl, always aiming to please, fixing the family problems and as she grew older the responsibilities grew too. But, no matter what she did or how much she did for everyone, they were always unhappy. She could not please them, they were unhappy themselves and no one but themselves could save them. She lived her life for the people she was taught to believe she needed and needed her, and she could not live without, but at what price? she thought. The price had become her own well being, anxiety, illness and unrest took over her adult life and it felt like shit.
She struggled for years to figure out how to feel better and worked hard on herself, the biggest lesson was Self Love and boundaries, who knew? She thought, such an amazing concept, yet so hard to implement every day. But, day by day she learned to love herself a bit more, practice healthy boundaries and be authentic to who she really was, not what other’s wanted. Perhaps love is all you need, and that meant for her first, then everyone else. She looked in the mirror and thought, “You have come a long way, and it is ok to feel pain, you got to feel it let it pass through you.”. At that moment she realized, she was human, she realized she had grown, she was an amazing woman and that some days we all feel like shit, but we can use our self-care tools and recoup. She was not her mother or her mother’s pain, she was not her ex or his depression, she was not her family’s dysfunction. And it was time to let it all go once and for all because she realized love has no conditions and she loved everyone but would no longer carry their pain.
She took the magical scissors
and cut the cords that held her bound to pain for so long, her soul was finally free.
The answer was love.