What keeps you away from fulfilling relationships
What we learn may not be helpful in all situations. A tool useful for one work may be deadly for another.
The most pronounced reason for failure of majority of communication or relationships; even before these begin; is judgement. Judging may be a useful skill or habit when it comes to your survival as you need to discern between what is good for you and what is not good or is harmful. However, when the question is of growth, the very useful skill can become hindrance and cause you to fail in your endeavour.
And it is not always that the judgement comes from outside. Most often, it is anticipated judgement i.e. we anticipate our actions will be met by judgement from people around us. This anticipation is a sign of self-judgement.
So, why do we judge?
Well, like many other abilities, judgement is learnt by us while growing up. The very act of discerning between things, objects, people, qualities, characteristics, values, norms, rules and many such things make our brain judgemental. So, it is normal reaction to judge. And it happens with everybody.
If judging is normal, how does it hinder the growth?
To grow or expand in any way (emotionally, financially, professionally, socially, spiritually), we need to connect and involve ourselves with people, groups and institutions outside of us. And to connect, it matters how we approach and create space for others in our lives. The very qualities required in this endeavour are inclusion, warmth, acceptance, and openness to change. Judgment is the very poison for either of these qualities and makes the whole effort counterproductive because to judge mean to differentiate, to discriminate.
How to not judge?
1. Stay aware whenever your natural reaction of judgement is showing up.
2. Be honest in acknowledging that you are judging in the moment – to yourself and to others.
3. Be patient and allow the judgment to pass and leave space for acceptance.
*when your internal mindscape is hardwired to judge, you may need to explore the reasons and spaces from where judgement is arising in you and cure.