Posted on November 5, 2012 by Cynthia Gunsinger

Do you feel uneasy when you are away from your partner?

Do you feel desperate about your need for a relationship?

Do you obsess about finding a future mate? 

Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating relationships that aren’t good for you?

 

My life was over when my dreamy middle-school boyfriend broke up with me and took my best friend to the prom. Teenage heartbreak, but I came to notice that he was a jerk with bad skin, a mediocre vocabulary, and I was much better off without him.

My life was over when my charming high-school sweetheart cheated on me and I was left all alone in a new college city. He went on to be an insurance salesman with a strong tendency to date all his waitresses. Twenty-something heartbreak.

My life was over when my eleven-year marriage to my soul-mate fell apart, after years of struggling through counseling. Thirty-something heartbreak.

In the end, I could see that we were extremely volatile, and a marriage wasn’t the magic solution to all my problems. Not too long after that, I thought my life was over when my new boyfriend said he was “done,” because I was so f&*@ing clingy.

Each time a relationship ended, or threatened to end, I was wracked with feelings of panic. When I was alone, or even away from my mate, I felt uneasy. I was desperate for love, desperate for attention, desperate for a relationship. I’m not surprised my new boyfriend wanted to run in the other direction. Let’s just say that “desperate” was not a good look for me.

These men were granted by me: mystical, magical qualities which they didn’t really deserve. I thought each one was a knight, and while they thoroughly enjoyed it, they didn’t really merit. It’s not that I didn’t care about myself, I just cared about my relationships more. A romantic relationship defined me. Unless I was romantically intertwined, I just didn’t feel normal. Finding and keeping a man was pretty much my whole life strategy.

Let’s talk solutions.

• Let go of the story that you need a relationship to be happy.
• Stop chasing romantic intrigue.
• Stop being emotionally dependent on your partner.
• Reach out for help from coaches, counselors and other women.
• Work through fears of abandonment.
• Learned that real intimacy is about sharing in a partnership: the romantic part comes afterwards.

Is it easy? Hell, no. But as Shakespeare said, “the course of true love never did run smooth.” I learned that I had to take care of myself before I could be with anyone else.

Oxygen mask on yourself first!

I developed a self-care system, symbolized by an umbrella, which could protect me from the obsession, anxiety and depression I was trying to cure with a romantic relationship. If you would like to start a self-care project of your own, you can download contact me for a copy of the umbrella worksheet.

I ended up marrying the boyfriend–but not until we’d had a good, clean break up. With a relationship, as with everything I care about, I’ve learned how to hold it loosely. And that is a much better look for me.

Hadley Earabino is a Certified Career, Relationship and Life Coach in Atlanta and wants you to Risk Blossoming into who you really are.