Why I don't say "I'm Sorry"
Posted on April 06, 2023 by Michael Ian Cedar, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.
As a former people-pleasing empath, I found myself saying, “I'm sorry” – a lot – in times when I didn't do anything wrong. (Sound familiar?)
My habit of saying “I’m Sorry” robbed me of amazing opportunities. What message was I sending to the individuals in front of me, when I said that unnecessary, “I’m sorry”? What was I saying to myself?
This isn’t about never saying sorry. It’s about converting “I’m sorries,” into “thank yous,” rather than apologizing for something that isn’t in your control.
Here’s what I mean. Transform:
- “I’m sorry I’m late” into “thank you for being so patient.”
- “I’m so sorry I’m crying” into “thank you for holding space for me”
- “I’m sorry I’m too tired to go out” into “thank you for understanding that I need me-time.”
Now don’t take this to mean I don’t believe in apologies. Of course I do. When harm has been done, you need to acknowledge what you did and what you’re going to do in the future.
But please, step into your power, if you’ve done nothing wrong. Try: “Thanks for understanding the traffic on 95 at this time is super unpredictable.” (My New York-New Jersey readers know what I mean.)
As you practice converting unnecessary “sorries” into wildly meaningful “thank yous,” you’ll stop being held hostage to the feelings of “I did something wrong” or “I’m not good enough.” At the same time, you’ll express gratitude for what the other person has given you: patience, understanding, presence. You’ll start training your mind, body and spirit to look forward to the imperfect situations where you normally would have apologized for something that was not in your control.
The on-ramp to this practice is very simple: When you say “sorry,” ask yourself, “Did I do harm or is this an opportunity for a thank you?” Then, once you build your awareness, the next step is to actually try it.
Here are the three things I want you to remember:
1) Converting “sorry” into “thank you” is a practice – a gratitude practice. It’s going to feel clunky until it becomes a part of your regular vernacular.
2) Know you will fall out of the practice, so give yourself grace. Celebrate the awareness and celebrate the wins.
3) You can always offer a “thank you,” even if you’ve already said “I’m sorry.” (Because it’s a practice!)
Through these practices, I hope you’ll discover: Gratitude is a skeleton key to living a life on your terms which will allow you to feel a heightened sense of inner peace and fulfillment.
When you take your unnecessary “sorries” and transform them into “thank yous,” you will start to harness your empathic nature. Rather than take responsibility for somebody else’s emotion, you’ll be able to access your own more deeply, as you build a closer connection with your mind, body and spirit.
