Why You’re “Unattractive”

Posted on January 05, 2024 by Sean Self, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

It’s a very common experience for people to consider themselves physically unattractive and it feels like they are doomed because it’s just the way they were born. There are those that were born hot and those that were born ugly and you’ll always be at an inherent disadvantage because you were one of the unlucky ones. And it makes sense because you’ve experienced the results of not being good looking over and over again, and most people agree that physical appearance does play at least a partial role in romantic attraction. So it feels like it’s just science, it feels like it’s a fact.

But the truth is that this is all actually a self fulfilling prophecy. How could I know this? How could I know that you’re not actually just so hideous that you simply cannot find a romantic partner? Because when you look around at relationships there are so many counter examples. There are so many people that are “unattractive” that are in happy relationships with “attractive” people.

I can’t tell you how often I hear really attractive people talking about being ridiculously attracted to people that are not traditionally physically attractive. Now this is tricky too because if you try to look for this, you already have this belief that less conventionally attractive people don’t find happy relationships and so your mind is going to subconsciously filter things in a way to prove your belief correct.

Now don’t get me wrong it’s totally possible and likely that at some point someone did actually reject you because of your appearance but then it became part of your identity as a way to protect you. I know that sounds weird. How does me thinking I’m unattractive protect me? Because it’s much easier to think you are unattractive and that’s why you’re not finding anyone, than to think that you are attractive and someone still rejected you. That is devastating.

And how do you think that identity of “I’m unattractive” affects the way that you hold yourself when you’re talking to someone? Imagine talking to someone who you can tell is thinking “I have no chance with this person I’m just an unattractive loser. They’re out of my league.” You’re either going to pity them or lose interest in them. Neither of which is a desired result when trying to find a relationship.

This isn’t just some psychological theory either. I grew up with a brother who was very conventionally attractive and because of that I always thought I was ugly and it affected my confidence and how I held myself in spaces. It was only when I started to think that I was beautiful in my own way that I started getting lots of positive feedback on my appearance.

“Yeah sure okay coach so I just have to ‘think I’m attractive and I will be’, sure, how the heck do I do that?!” It starts with understanding how this identity of “I’m unattractive” was developed in the first place. Maybe it was the first person you ever got the courage to ask out, rejected you and that was the reason they told you.

Or maybe it’s that you grew up around someone who was stereotypically attractive and you saw them getting into relationships and you never did. But take some time to think about it. In identifying how it began you can start to identify how that affects the lens that you are seeing things through and slowly but surely you can start to change the lens.

Here are some questions to think about to get you started:

• What are some instances in your life where you felt that your self-perception influenced your interactions with others, positively or negatively?
• Can you recall a time when you saw someone you considered ‘unattractive’ in a loving, fulfilling relationship? What was your reaction to that?
• What events in your past have informed your belief that you are unattractive?
• What steps have you taken in the past to change negative self-perceptions, and what were the results?

If you want help in this process click the button and book a free consultation (usually $75). Because identity is so all encompassing it can make it really hard to work on by yourself. By signing up for coaching you get the external perspective that allows you to see things differently. “Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way” is one of the most common things I hear from clients in our sessions. So don’t keep suffering from the self fulfilling prophecy that is thinking you’re unattractive, get the confidence you need to find a meaningful relationship by scheduling a free consultation today!