Posted on August 31, 2010 by Hadley Earabino

by Hadley Earabino

One of the best things I learned from Dr. John Gottman, a therapist and author who has been studying marriages and parenting for more than thirty-five years, is that it’s important to be “an emotion coaching” parent when you’re listening to your children.

INVALIDATION

If you grew up with parents who often told you to “get over it,” you are familiar with “Invalidation.” Some examples:

“Deal with it.”
“Give it a rest.”
“Forget about it.”
“Stop complaining.”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
“Stop being so emotional.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Stop taking everything so personally.”

LAISSEZ-FAIRE

At the other side of the scale, are the laissez-faire parents, the “I feel your pain” parents, who don’t invalidate, but they don’t coach, either. They may have been distracted, too busy, or didn’t have the skills to help you cope.

“You are feeling sad right now.”
“I can tell that you are angry with me.”
” I know you’re scared.”
“I understand how you feel.”

EMOTION COACHING

The ideal is the parent who not only listens, but coaches. An “emotional coaching” parent not only listens empathetically and labels the feelings, but helps the child come up with a solution:

“You can get angry, but you must not yell at me. Talk to me about what upsets you.”
“I know you feel scared. What can you do to take care of these feelings?”
“When you are angry, you can draw a picture of your feelings.”
“Let’s talk about what you are feeling, and we can figure out what to do.”
“It seems like you’re feeling really anxious. What works for you when you’re feeling this way?”

It’s such a simple concept. Our goal is to listen compassionately, and then to help our kids (and sometimes our spouse) come up with a way to solve the problem or deal with the issue. I’m always working towards this kind of “emotion coaching” style, not only when I’m coaching a client, but in all my personal relationships. Sometimes I fall short, but I like having this structure in the back of my mind. Hope it helps you, too!